Apparently at a recent White House state dinner a couple of wannabe, fauxlebrity, Bravo reality show rejects managed to trick the Secret Service, and probably about a million other safeguards, and sneak in. The media has been giving this story quite a lot of attention since then, what some may even consider to be way too much attention. Like way, way too much fucking attention. Well it would seem that somehow in the epic cluster fuck that is 24-hour cable news and the blogosphere, another one of these crucial stories got lost in the shuffle. We here at Modern Failure are pleased to bring it to you.
AMHERST, Massachusetts: Last Saturday night at approximately 10:15 p.m. EST, Chad Jackson (pictured above, left, with “some other fag”) snuck past security and infiltrated the University of Massachusetts chapter of Sigma Alpha Omega’s annual Christmas Sweater, Ice Luge, and Rufietini Winter Mixer. Jackson, known locally as “Jackhole”, was banned from all SAO events and parties after an incident last semester during which he “was totally scamming on my girl,” said fraternity President Freddie “Meat” Riley, who added, “Yeah, that dildo’s a total fag.” Pledge Mickey “Weasel” Stone has already accepted responsibility for the breach in security. “I was supposed to be watching the door, but this slammin’ hottie told me she would hook me up with some E if I let her and her friends in. He must have slipped in with ‘em. Which sucks cuz it turned out to just be Baby Aspirin with the words scraped off.” When reached for comment, Pledge Master Jeremy “Dog Boner” Hopkins insisted that the fraternity would be instituting new measures to insure that no such incident happens again. “That douche waffle better watch himself. If he shows his gay ass around here again, I’m gonna fuck it up. Yeah, I’ll fuck him real hard. Wait? What did I just say?”
