Yesterday, in his address to congress, British Prime Minister Gordon Brown announced the Queen’s intention to knight Senator Ted Kennedy. This is quite an honor for the man who is currently the second-longest serving U.S. Senator. In America, the Kennedy family has always been considered something of royalty, so many see this a very fitting tribute.
I disagree with these people completely.
Now, I’m not trying to be harsh here, but let’s call an invalid old man, an invalid old man. Ted Kennedy is an invalid old man. I’m not saying he isn’t a great American, because he certainly is.* I’m also not saying he isn’t a man of virtue befitting knighthood, he very well may be that (jury’s still out). But being a knight is really hard work. You have to wear heavy chainmail armor, carry a sword, ride a horse, slay dragons, de-virginize princesses in towers, and oppress Scotsmen.
Is Ted Kennedy really up to that challenge? In his younger days, sure, he was in the Army and played Division 1 college football. If you gave 1972 Teddy a sword and a fifth of Jameson, I would straight-up poop my pants in fear. But 2009 Teddy? Not so much.
It’s not his fault though, the man is 77 and has terminal brain cancer, he just wouldn’t be my first choice for defender of the realm. If you really wanted an American politician as a knight, I would personally choose Rahm Emmanuel (that guy seriously scares me).
While we’re on the subject, here’s a few other knights that just don’t seem to fit the bill to me; Ben Kingsley, Laurence Olivier, Sidney Poitier, Paul McCartney, Elton John, Michael Gambon, and Ian McKellen. Although if those last two actually have the magic powers they claim to, I would find them acceptable. The only current knight that I would actually want to defend my kingdom is Sir Sean Connery, because he kicks ass. Period.
*Side note: Maybe he’s not. I’m just saying, if he’s such an American patriot why the hell does he want to be a British knight? Seems fishy to me.