Modern Failure

So recently, Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi has been making a lot of headlines. First with her insistence that the CIA lied about and covered up torture practices (which incidentally she has been informed about since 2002), and now on her trip to to China, she ignored pleas from Chinese nationals to investigate human rights violations (which have been a cornerstone of her politics for years).

However, strangely enough, these aren’t the things that have me concerned. The thing that really keeps me up  at night is… who could possibly vote for a face like this?

Seriously guys, this picture is freaking me right out. What on earth were the voters of California’s 8th district thinking. I mean, sweet lord, that face could stop traffic. I can’t tell if she wants to put a voodoo hex on me or unhinge her jaw, swallow me whole, and digest me slowly over a number of hours. I really hope it’s the first one.

I honestly can’t even remember what else I wanted to write about. I think I need to go to bed. I am definitely going to have nightmares.

Just in case you’ve been living under a rock and haven’t heard, insurance giant AIG has succeeded in totally pissing everyone off. They recently received $173 billion in federal bailout funds and then turned around and gave out $165 million in bonuses.

Now, Connecticut Senator Chris Dodd has come out saying that the Obama administration asked him to include language which would allow AIG to hand out bonuses that had previously been agreed upon in contracts.

An Obama administration spokesman had this to say, “Chris Dodd is a big fat stupid head… with farty pants. This is all his fault. We had nothing to do with it.”

Senator Dodd responded, “No way, Jose! This is totally not my fault. I didn’t even know what I was writing when I was writing it. Obama made me do it. He made me!”

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi weighed in on the argument, “Don’t even look at me. This was a Senate thing, 100%. We never even saw it in the House. We never even heard of it. We never even heard about seeing it, or thought about hearing about seeing it. So don’t even try.”

New York Senator Chuck Schumer said, “I thought it was a good idea, well, I mean, I thought it was a good idea before it was a bad idea. I thought the good parts were good ideas, but the bad parts were bad ideas. No ever listens to me though.”

Finally, Republican Congressman Eric Cantor said of the whole ordeal, “Clearly the Democrats are a bunch of moron nincompoops, so can we not agree that Oasis is greatest band since the Beatles?”

I hope this has renewed your faith in the federal government as much as it has mine.