Modern Failure

Just in case you’ve been living under a rock and haven’t heard, insurance giant AIG has succeeded in totally pissing everyone off. They recently received $173 billion in federal bailout funds and then turned around and gave out $165 million in bonuses.

Now, Connecticut Senator Chris Dodd has come out saying that the Obama administration asked him to include language which would allow AIG to hand out bonuses that had previously been agreed upon in contracts.

An Obama administration spokesman had this to say, “Chris Dodd is a big fat stupid head… with farty pants. This is all his fault. We had nothing to do with it.”

Senator Dodd responded, “No way, Jose! This is totally not my fault. I didn’t even know what I was writing when I was writing it. Obama made me do it. He made me!”

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi weighed in on the argument, “Don’t even look at me. This was a Senate thing, 100%. We never even saw it in the House. We never even heard of it. We never even heard about seeing it, or thought about hearing about seeing it. So don’t even try.”

New York Senator Chuck Schumer said, “I thought it was a good idea, well, I mean, I thought it was a good idea before it was a bad idea. I thought the good parts were good ideas, but the bad parts were bad ideas. No ever listens to me though.”

Finally, Republican Congressman Eric Cantor said of the whole ordeal, “Clearly the Democrats are a bunch of moron nincompoops, so can we not agree that Oasis is greatest band since the Beatles?”

I hope this has renewed your faith in the federal government as much as it has mine.

If anyone has been paying attention to the congressional budget recently, they would have noticed that it was increased by 10% for the next fiscal year. Now, this may strike some people, such as those with brain power, as maybe not the best idea in the world considering the current economic crisis that I heard we might be in. In fact, the Department of Labor reported approximately 235,000 layoffs nationwide in January.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid was asked about this recently in a press conference, and said, “We had a situation — you should direct that question to Senator McConnell because we had trouble organizing this year. He wanted to maintain a lot of their staffing even though they had lost huge numbers. And the only way we could get it done is to do what we did. So you should direct that question to Senator McConnell.”

So let’s look at this objectively for a moment. Seems like the Republicans are to blame. Maybe. But maybe this is just that weasel-faced rascal Harry Reid up to his old tricks again blaming the other side of the aisle. So what do they have to say about it?

A top level Republican aide responded, “I just don’t know how they can get away with blaming us for that 10 percent figure. Republicans aren’t getting a dime more in committee money for staff than we got last year.”

Well here we go. See? Those evil Democrats were just being douche-bags again. Isn’t that just like them?

Wait a minute. Did he say, “Republicans aren’t getting a dime more in committee money for staff than we got last year”?

Yes, I believe he did.

Okay, for those of you missed something because, honestly, I almost did, it’s time to do a little math. Please bare with me.

Sadly for them, the GOP lost about 20% of their seats overall in the last election. One would assume that would lead to around a 20% drop in Republican staffers and hence an equal drop in their requested funding. You see where I’m going here.

As they said, they’re not “getting a dime more” than last year… THEY SHOULD BE GETTING MUCH LESS THAN THAT!

Sorry about that, I’m calm now.

It just strikes me as funny that the party of budget cuts and fiscal conservatism should fail to notice this kind of thing. Maybe I’m expecting too much. Maybe it was a mistake. Maye we should just get them a calculator. Yeah, let’s do that.