Modern Failure

So earlier this afternoon the United States House of Representatives passed the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009, better known as the Economic Stimulus Package. The bill passed with a vote of 246 to 183.

These numbers are significant for a couple of reasons, the first and most obvious is that it means not a single Republican voted for it. Not one.

This confuses me.

While I understand that the bill cost $787 billion, and apparently numbers that big give our GOP friends quite a headache (because thinking is hard), it actually included $275 billion for tax cuts. I repeat, $275 billion for TAX CUTS!

If no Republicans were going to vote for it, why the hell did the Democrats include that much money for tax cuts. Aren’t tax cuts pretty much the exact opposite of the standard Democratic platform? Did I miss something?

A note to the Democrats: IF YOU HAVE ENOUGH VOTES TO DO WHATEVER YOU WANT, YOU DON’T NEED TO PLACATE THE REPUBLICANS! JUST DO IT!

Which of course, brings me to the second significant thing that the vote taught us today. Namely:

IF YOU HAVE ENOUGH VOTES, YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT!

I mean seriously, Democrats, you need to start thinking outside the box here. You can get any piece of legislation passed that you want. You could have taken that $275 billion and done so much with it, and no one could stop you. To help you in the future, I’ve compiled a list of the top 5 things you could spend $275 billion on.

5) 27.5 billion iTunes downloads. Which should get almost ever album they’ve got on there, give or take one Jonas Brothers CD.

4) 5 billion pony rides. Your children and your children’s children would really appreciate it.

3) Tickets to every Bruce Springsteen concert on his next tour. You may even have enough left over for a t-shirt.

2) HOOKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1) Seriously, hookers. It’s not like you aren’t already spending your own money on them. Just let Uncle Sam foot the bill. In fact, I bet you could totally get one of the hookers to dress up like Uncle Sam. That would be hot.

Have you seen this man? Neither has the United States Senate.

On the whole I find Heroes to be rather awesome.

I am aware that there are many who disagree with me, and I will be the first to admit that this season has had its problems (why is Suresh Spider-Man?).

The real problem I have with this season has been gnawing at me for quite a while.

Nathan Petrelli is a senator. A United States Senator. As someone who currently works for a REAL senator and has previously worked in television professionally, I have one question to ask:

Where the hell is Nathan Petrelli?

If I was from New York state, I would be screaming this question from the rooftops. I’ve been having to deal with people calling in insensently to complain about Joe Lieberman’s absence while he was campaigning for John McCain, but this guy has been spending his time literally FLYING around the world, working out his daddy issues, banging hot chicks with freeze-rays, and personally fighting indestructible Haitian warlords.

Why hasn’t anyone noticed?

He doesn’t even carry a Blackberry. Come on. I mean, I can believe that a dude can read peoples minds or that a cheerleader can survive being decapitated and disemboweled, but to see a professional politician not constantly glued to his cell phone? That’s just ridiculous.

Also, why does his slutty, mega-hot,freeze-ray shooting Chief of Staff never seem to be doing her job either? Seriously that office has to be in a goddamn state of disarray. Personally, I would like to see a couple cutaways to his office where his legislative assistants are flipping their shit trying to get him to a vote.

I think we should all call our senators and urge them to strip Nathan Petrelli of his committee assignments (Seriously though, please don’t do that.  It’s ungodly annoying).

P.S. Does anyone know what party he is? He’s kind of a dick, so that would make me think Republican, but he’s also a total puss, so I’m going with Democrat.