Modern Failure

So recently, Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi has been making a lot of headlines. First with her insistence that the CIA lied about and covered up torture practices (which incidentally she has been informed about since 2002), and now on her trip to to China, she ignored pleas from Chinese nationals to investigate human rights violations (which have been a cornerstone of her politics for years).

However, strangely enough, these aren’t the things that have me concerned. The thing that really keeps me up  at night is… who could possibly vote for a face like this?

Seriously guys, this picture is freaking me right out. What on earth were the voters of California’s 8th district thinking. I mean, sweet lord, that face could stop traffic. I can’t tell if she wants to put a voodoo hex on me or unhinge her jaw, swallow me whole, and digest me slowly over a number of hours. I really hope it’s the first one.

I honestly can’t even remember what else I wanted to write about. I think I need to go to bed. I am definitely going to have nightmares.

Just in case you’ve been living under a rock and haven’t heard, insurance giant AIG has succeeded in totally pissing everyone off. They recently received $173 billion in federal bailout funds and then turned around and gave out $165 million in bonuses.

Now, Connecticut Senator Chris Dodd has come out saying that the Obama administration asked him to include language which would allow AIG to hand out bonuses that had previously been agreed upon in contracts.

An Obama administration spokesman had this to say, “Chris Dodd is a big fat stupid head… with farty pants. This is all his fault. We had nothing to do with it.”

Senator Dodd responded, “No way, Jose! This is totally not my fault. I didn’t even know what I was writing when I was writing it. Obama made me do it. He made me!”

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi weighed in on the argument, “Don’t even look at me. This was a Senate thing, 100%. We never even saw it in the House. We never even heard of it. We never even heard about seeing it, or thought about hearing about seeing it. So don’t even try.”

New York Senator Chuck Schumer said, “I thought it was a good idea, well, I mean, I thought it was a good idea before it was a bad idea. I thought the good parts were good ideas, but the bad parts were bad ideas. No ever listens to me though.”

Finally, Republican Congressman Eric Cantor said of the whole ordeal, “Clearly the Democrats are a bunch of moron nincompoops, so can we not agree that Oasis is greatest band since the Beatles?”

I hope this has renewed your faith in the federal government as much as it has mine.

One of these three men is willing to sleep with Nancy Pelosi for 38 million dollars. Do you know which one?

Earlier today, Congressional Democrats and White House staffers hammered out the details on a $15 million bridge-loan for the Big 3 automakers. One of the stipulations of this bailout deal was the inclusion of a government appointed “Car Czar”.

I repeat this once again, a Car Czar.

I think it is high time that we as Americans finally and as one, put our foot down and say, “Enough”. Not to bailouts or shady business practices or golden parachutes (although now that I mention it, that seems like a good idea too), but we need to say, “Enough!” to the use of the word “Czar” in American government.

We’ve been using the term to describe such high-level government positions as the “Drug Czar”, “Terrorism Czar”, “War Czar”, and my personal favorite, “Cybersecurity Czar”. Now personally, I’ve always found this disconcerting; the terrorism czar sounds a bit too much like a Cossack who’s going to pull me out of my house at night and lock me up in the Gulag. My feelings aside however, when you manage to both rhyme and alliterate a two word phrase, it’s time to pack it up and call it day.

I’m not saying we shouldn’t have the position, I’m just asking that we come up with a more appropriate title.

To help out, I spent all day brainstorming potential titles and I now present my top five:

5. Auto-bailout Overseer

4. Supreme Judicial Executor

3. Chancellor of Germany

2. Herald of Galactus, Devourer of Worlds

1.Polly Prissy Pants

I believe that any one of these would be preferential to Car Czar. Although I’m pretty sure I stole a couple of them from somewhere else.