I feel like I’ve been making this apology a lot lately, but I am very sorry for the lack of posts the last month or two. Unfortunately, I’ve been out of work recently, and hence looking for work. While this has been hectic and somewhat disheartening, it has led me to a new a blog entry.
Almost all jobs require interviews and subsequently, almost all people must be subjected to them, be it high-powered political operatives, like me, or a recovering meth-addict who wants to flip burgers. The problem with interviews, however, is that they’re inherently flawed from the start.
The purpose of an interview is to determine whether or not you have the skills, aptitude, and demeanor for the job of which you are applying. Sadly however, it has been my observation that interviews are only good for determining whether or not you’re a jar of mayonaise.
An average interview takes between 15 and 30 minutes and consists of questions like, “Why do you want this job?”, “What do you think qualifies you for this job?”, “Do you find interspecies erotica to be offensive?”, etc. When really, all interviews could be reduced to the 5 seconds it takes to ask, “Are you smarter than rhesus monkey with a learning disability?” If you have the foresight to say “yes” than you win, if however you pause, or say “no”, then there is a very good chance you can’t actually read this and are right now only looking at the funny shapes on your computer screen. For your sake I’ve added a picture of a pony. Enjoy.
You so pretty.
Now that we’re alone, Id like to take a moment to speak with the potential employers out there. If you really want to learn about a potential new employee, I’ve created a short list of suggested tactics and what they can teach you.
- Contact the applicant’s previous employers to find out what they were like to work with.
- Perform a criminal background check to see if they are on the FBI most wanted list or a convicted sex offender (some leniency may be given to applicants arrested for exposing themselves to woodland animals).
- Consult with S.H.I.E.L.D. and the Superhuman Registration Act to make sure that the applicant isn’t an undercover superhero who is going to constantly shirk their duties to save kittens from burning buildings. (*Note: May only be applicable to employers in the Marvel Universe)
- Call the applicant’s high-school sweetheart to determine how tender a lover they are and whether or not they will bring that kind of compassion to the workplace.
- Finally, ask them who their favorite member of the Dixie Chicks is. If they answer with anything at all, then they’re definitely gay (man or woman, doesn’t matter). It should be noted, that this is not grounds for not hiring someone, but it is good to know if you’re interested in sleeping with your new hire. Also, this information could be determined by whether or not the applicant’s high-school sweetheart was the same sex as them.
I hope you have found this informative, and remember, the next time you show up for an interview, as long as you don’t poop on yourself, I’m sure you’ll do fine.