At least we’ve got that.

Oh well, congrats to Governor Bob, who has the nicest hair in all the land.

You have 36 minutes…

Neal Horsley is the Creator’s Rights Party candidate for Governor in Georgia. He served in the Air Force and graduated from the Westminster Theological Seminary. He is vehemently pro-life and anti-gay marriage. In fact, some may say that he is the far-right’s ideal candidate.

Indeed he holds convictions so strongly, and believes that the liberals across America are hurting the morals of Georgians so deeply, he promises that if elected, he will secede Georgia from the Union. He believes in his cause so strongly that he is willing to kill anyone in his way, even his own son. Horsley’s son is currently serving in the United States military, so when asked if he were to be sent into Georgia to stop the secession, Horsley admitted that not only would he kill his son, he’s tried to before.

However Horsley’s radical secessionist views aren’t even his most endearing quality (surprised? you will be). No, that would have to be his love of mules. Now, I don’t mean he enjoys raising and caring for them, what I am referring to is a recent series of interviews  in which Horsley admitted to having sex with a mule (which later urinated on him). That’s right, he banged a mule. And now he’s running for Governor. I can’t even describe the things that I am thinking right now, so let me just say that he has also admitted to having sex with a watermelon. Also, in contradiction to his vocal anti-gay platform, he admits to having sex with multiple men during his time in the Air Force (for warmth, he claims).

We here, at our humble website, for all the above reasons, would like to congratulate Neal Horsley on being our first Profile in Modern Failure (and a creepy, crazy-ass douche).

Selected Chapters:

Prologue – Change Has Come To America

Chapter 1 – Now Let’s Make Some Money

Chapter 5 – What Do I Get Out of This?

Chapter 9 – “F*CK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Chapter 10 – Did I Say, “F*ck you”? I Meant, “Pleasure Doing Business With You”

Chapter 12 – We Want More Money

Chapter 15 – Let’s Make A Deal

Chapter 18 – Blagojevich: Man of the People

Chapter 21 – “OH SHIT! I’m on the news!”

Chapter 22 – I Like My Haircut

Chapter 25 – Just Act Normal, Nothing To See Here

Chapter 27 – Why Is Larry King Being Such A Dick To Me?

Chapter 28 – Fine, Let’s Just Give It To The Guy Who Said He’d Give Me A Denny’s Coupon

Epilogue – Getting This Sweet Book Deal

This one is going to be a real nail-biter.

So, many of you may be wondering why I haven’t yet commented on embattled Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich and his utterly farcical and parody-rife “alleged” corruption scandal. You may be thinking, “This is the biggest scandal to hit Chicago since the Black Sox”, while still others may be thinking, “Who the hell are the Black Sox?”

To your, sir, I suggest that you watch Field of Dreams.

I’ll wait.

Is he gone?

Good.

To everyone still left, I offer you this:

IT’S TOO EASY!!!!!!!!!!!

This scandal makes Teapot Dome seem like an old lady sampling grapes at the supermarket. I simply didn’t know what else I could say on the matter that Governor Blagojevich hadn’t already said himself. On his phone. Which he knew was being tapped.

That was however until he held a press conference on Friday. For those of you did not catch it live and have only seen the clips that have doubtless been run over and over again on MSNBC, CNN, The Daily Show, Sesame Street, what have you; let me tell, it was a sight to see. I mean really a sight to see.

It wasn’t just the way he strode out gallantly to the microphone, it wasn’t just the way he grabbed that mic and without a split second’s hesitation proclaimed his innocence, and it wasn’t just his extended quoting of Kipling poetry (once again, Kiplin? really?); it was his conviction.

This was a man who was one hundred percent convinced that he has done nothing wrong. Not a damn thing. I was half expecting a Entourage-esque profanity laced tirade about how we’re all bleeping bleeps who bleep our own bleeps with our bleeps. However, his Excellency quite honestly floored me.

Now, I’ve always told everyone that the best way to lie to someone is to lie to yourself first. If you want to make someone believe something, you have to believe it first. If there is one spec of daylight between you and the truth, someone, especially another lier, can spot it in a second. Governor Blagojevich seems to have taken this to heart. I consider myself to be a fairly adept liar and it has served me well in the past, but this guy is my new God.

There wasn’t one second during his press conference that he wasn’t perfectly on message, as if it was the most normal thing in the world. His hand didn’t shake, his voice didn’t tremble, he never wavered. I would be willing to be that if you hooked him up to a lie detector, he would pass with flying colors.

Now, I’m not saying I condone corruption, just the opposite, I despise people who abuse their power, but you have to give it up for this guy. He can lie like nobody’s business. And to me at least, that’s just impressive.