Modern Failure

Do you hear that? That’s the sound of children silently weeping all across America. Why are they crying? Because Six Flags has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy.

They’ve reported a $146.3 million drop in revenue in their first quarter this year. Apparently that’s a lot. I have no idea, since I have about two hundred bucks to my name, so really, I have no concept of money in business terms.

Not to scare you however, Six Flags has announced that all 20 of its parks will stay open. Proving that once again, I also have no idea what bankruptcy means. Seriously, I thought that meant you had no money, but it turns out I’m wrong. I now think that it means you have some money, but are stupid and don’t know how to use it so then you need to do something 11 times or whatever and then you get more money. Am I right? Do I still get to ride the Batman coaster? Because really, that’s all I care about. Have you been on that thing? It’s awesome! It’s all like woooosh!

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, the economy. It’s times like this I’m really glad I’m super broke, because if you’re already poor, you can’t become poor. I guess I’m kinda like one of those guys with nothing to lose. Maybe I should fight crime… like Batman! But you know, without the butler, because I’m poor.

Some of our readers may remember a while back we wrote a piece about how the state of economy was contributing to a decrease in shark attacks worldwide. Well, now the recession is giving rise to another trend, and this time it’s in our pants.

Vasectomies!

That’s right, men across the country are going under the knife to avoid having anymore children, children they can’t afford. Somewhere, the “Every Sperm is Sacred” guy from Monty Python is weeping silently. There’s a very logical explanation for why men are willfully mutilating their own genitals; babies are expensive. Families can’t afford anymore kids, so Daddy is getting the snip-snip. It’s a simple as that. Or is it.

If these men actually stop to think about their situations for a moment (and applied some rather creative thinking) they would realize that their children don’t have to be a burden after all, and in fact can be a blessing. Jonathan Swift proposed, in 1729, that the poor of Ireland sell their children as foodstuffs to the rich. While this is generally considered to be a satirical work, which attempts to address many of the societal problems facing Ireland at the time, he brings up a very interesting and lucrative concept. Now just to be clear, I am not advocating the eating of babies, such consumption is generally frowned upon in most modern American states (you should keep an eye on any youngsters you might be fond of in certain parts of New Mexico). What I’m suggesting is that families in need sell any unwanted children into forced corporate slavery.

This would be an entirely new type of bailout, one that directly benefits both the average American and the struggling corporate giant. Joe Sixpack will be able to make his mortgage payments thanks to the nice check he’s getting every nine months or so, and the corporation will be able to function without significant budget cuts thanks to a new generation of workers who won’t require pesky things like compensation or health care.

Seriously, I don’t see how this could fail.

Unfortunately it is late and I am very tired, but I hadn’t given you loyal readers an update in a few days and when I saw this headline on the New York Times website, I figured you deserved one.

A Zealous Watchman to Follow the Money

Now with all the hype and news surrounding it, I assumed that this would be an article about the new film Watchmen. Well, you know what the say about assumptions, if you make them on the internet, everyone will see that you’re a jackass… or something like that.

In reality it’s an article about the new inspector general who is going to police spending of the stimulus money. I guess that’s interesting, but honestly I just wanted to read something about Watchmen.

Oh well, here’s this.

And just for fun, Sam Yoon. Hello!

It was recently brought to my attention by our good friends over at the Huffington Post, that the current economic downturn has had some surprising ancillary effects on other aspects of our lives. Specifically, a dramatic decrease in shark attacks.

I repeat, shark attacks.

In fact, shark attacks are currently at lowest they’ve been in five years world wide. Apparently there is some very simple logic that can be used to explain this phenomenon; when the economy is bad, people go to the beach less, therefor less of them get eaten by sharks. The simplicity of it all is astounding, yet I never would have come to that conclusion on my own.

This got me thinking, what other seemingly unrelated occurrences could be attributed to the economy. After some good ole thinkin’ time, I created the following list. (Note this list was not made with “science” or “facts” but my own brain logic)

- The global disappearance of bees is actually due to the housing market crash and that many of bees homes have been foreclosed.

- The cancellation of ABC’s Pushing Daisies was in fact caused by a lack of government subsidies for the American Association of Daisy Farmers.

- The reason we’ve yet to invent Cylons is because of budget constraints, not that we don’t have the technology, or that creating intelligent killer-robots is a bad idea.

- My parents kicked me out of their house because they couldn’t afford to support me anymore, not because I was stealing their prescriptions and selling them on eBay.

- The real reason TV networks picked up crap shows like Night Rider for a second season is because creating new pilots is expensive… that’s actually true.

So remember, the next time you find yourself thinking, “Why is my dog biting the mailman?” or “Why is my toast burnt?” just blame the economy.

So earlier this afternoon the United States House of Representatives passed the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009, better known as the Economic Stimulus Package. The bill passed with a vote of 246 to 183.

These numbers are significant for a couple of reasons, the first and most obvious is that it means not a single Republican voted for it. Not one.

This confuses me.

While I understand that the bill cost $787 billion, and apparently numbers that big give our GOP friends quite a headache (because thinking is hard), it actually included $275 billion for tax cuts. I repeat, $275 billion for TAX CUTS!

If no Republicans were going to vote for it, why the hell did the Democrats include that much money for tax cuts. Aren’t tax cuts pretty much the exact opposite of the standard Democratic platform? Did I miss something?

A note to the Democrats: IF YOU HAVE ENOUGH VOTES TO DO WHATEVER YOU WANT, YOU DON’T NEED TO PLACATE THE REPUBLICANS! JUST DO IT!

Which of course, brings me to the second significant thing that the vote taught us today. Namely:

IF YOU HAVE ENOUGH VOTES, YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT!

I mean seriously, Democrats, you need to start thinking outside the box here. You can get any piece of legislation passed that you want. You could have taken that $275 billion and done so much with it, and no one could stop you. To help you in the future, I’ve compiled a list of the top 5 things you could spend $275 billion on.

5) 27.5 billion iTunes downloads. Which should get almost ever album they’ve got on there, give or take one Jonas Brothers CD.

4) 5 billion pony rides. Your children and your children’s children would really appreciate it.

3) Tickets to every Bruce Springsteen concert on his next tour. You may even have enough left over for a t-shirt.

2) HOOKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1) Seriously, hookers. It’s not like you aren’t already spending your own money on them. Just let Uncle Sam foot the bill. In fact, I bet you could totally get one of the hookers to dress up like Uncle Sam. That would be hot.