AMHERST, Massachusetts: Last Saturday night at approximately 10:15 p.m. EST, Chad Jackson (pictured above, left, with “some other fag”) snuck past security and infiltrated the University of Massachusetts chapter of Sigma Alpha Omega’s annual Christmas Sweater, Ice Luge, and Rufietini Winter Mixer. Jackson, known locally as “Jackhole”, was banned from all SAO events and parties after an incident last semester during which he “was totally scamming on my girl,” said fraternity President Freddie “Meat” Riley, who added, “Yeah, that dildo’s a total fag.” Pledge Mickey “Weasel” Stone has already accepted responsibility for the breach in security. “I was supposed to be watching the door, but this slammin’ hottie told me she would hook me up with some E if I let her and her friends in. He must have slipped in with ‘em. Which sucks cuz it turned out to just be Baby Aspirin with the words scraped off.” When reached for comment, Pledge Master Jeremy “Dog Boner” Hopkins insisted that the fraternity would be instituting new measures to insure that no such incident happens again. “That douche waffle better watch himself. If he shows his gay ass around here again, I’m gonna fuck it up. Yeah, I’ll fuck him real hard. Wait? What did I just say?”

Chief among these positions is our stance on gun control. The second amendment states that “the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.” Clearly the founding fathers meant for us to have access to widest array of state of the art death machines that we could physically get our hands on.

It is because of this that we were very excited to hear that Barack Obama has decided to lay off trying reinstate the assault weapons ban. He’s been coming under pressure recently from Mexican President Felipe Calderon to bring the ban back. Calderon believes that many of the weapons being used by Mexican drug cartels are actually coming in from the United States. While this may be true, it makes us nervous whenever foreign leaders begin to dictate domestic U.S. policy, especially this close to Z-Day.

For those who don’t understand what I’m talking about, there are many credible prophecies that point to December 21, 2012 as the end of the world (be it the Mayan calendar, Nostradamus, or Larry the crazy guy on the corner). We here at Modern Failure believe that there is only one real credible threat to our American way of life… zombies. We already know how to stop asteroids with space-miners, giant monkeys with bi-planes, and Jesus with atheism, so clearly the only threat left is zombies. Hence December 12, 2012 must be Z-Day, the day the zombies rise to power.

In order to properly combat the undead menace there will certain things that every American will need; a large supply of bottle water, a sexy black t-shirt, and as many firearms as they can physically carry (not to mention ungodly amounts of ammunition). We all know that zombies must be killed by destroying their brain, which certainly may accomplished an axe, sword, or chainsaw, but it may be less than desirable to actually get that close to a zombie. Therefor in order to fully protect yourself, we suggest firearms, preferably large caliber and fully automatic. The way God and George Washington intended.

It should come as no surprise to many of you that Barack Obama hates America. As we learned during the presidential campaign, he his a dangerous, untrustworthy, Socialist Muslim who wants to take our guns away. But his most recent announcement has quite literally taken the cake.

Well, not literally. I supposed I mean figuratively. So, the opposite of literally I guess.

Anyway, Obama has done something so heinously, grievously un-American, that it’s damn near communist! And I’m not even talking about him loosening restrictions on Cuba. I am, of course, talking about Bo, Obama’s new Portuguese Water Dog. That’s right a Portuguese Water Dog.

What’s the matter, Barack? Couldn’t find any American dogs that we’re good enough for your latte-sipping, liberal buddies or weak, allergen-prone children?

I mean seriously, Portugal? Why not North Korea? Yeah, how about a North Korean Atomic Terrier? I bet you would just love that.

On a side note, Water Dog???

What is it, some sort of high-tech, secret military dog made of liquid with the ability reform and reshape its body at will? Because if it is, I totally want one.

Top 3 Greatest Presidential Dogs

3. Checkers – Richard Nixon’s Cocker Spaniel that warmed hearts and inadvertinly caused Water Gate.

2. Laddie Boy – Warren Harding’s Airedale Terrier who threw lavish White House parties, gave more interviews than his master, and had a life-size statue of himself made out of pennies (because pennies suck).

1. Liberty – Gerald Ford’s Golden Retriever was given to him by his daughter Susan, and is by far the most patriotic, freedom-loving dog of all time. End of story.

Now, Connecticut Senator Chris Dodd has come out saying that the Obama administration asked him to include language which would allow AIG to hand out bonuses that had previously been agreed upon in contracts.

An Obama administration spokesman had this to say, “Chris Dodd is a big fat stupid head… with farty pants. This is all his fault. We had nothing to do with it.”

Senator Dodd responded, “No way, Jose! This is totally not my fault. I didn’t even know what I was writing when I was writing it. Obama made me do it. He made me!”

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi weighed in on the argument, “Don’t even look at me. This was a Senate thing, 100%. We never even saw it in the House. We never even heard of it. We never even heard about seeing it, or thought about hearing about seeing it. So don’t even try.”

New York Senator Chuck Schumer said, “I thought it was a good idea, well, I mean, I thought it was a good idea before it was a bad idea. I thought the good parts were good ideas, but the bad parts were bad ideas. No ever listens to me though.”

Finally, Republican Congressman Eric Cantor said of the whole ordeal, “Clearly the Democrats are a bunch of moron nincompoops, so can we not agree that Oasis is greatest band since the Beatles?”

I hope this has renewed your faith in the federal government as much as it has mine.

A Zealous Watchman to Follow the Money

Now with all the hype and news surrounding it, I assumed that this would be an article about the new film Watchmen. Well, you know what the say about assumptions, if you make them on the internet, everyone will see that you’re a jackass… or something like that.

In reality it’s an article about the new inspector general who is going to police spending of the stimulus money. I guess that’s interesting, but honestly I just wanted to read something about Watchmen.

Oh well, here’s this.

And just for fun, Sam Yoon. Hello!

Selected Chapters:

Prologue – Change Has Come To America

Chapter 1 – Now Let’s Make Some Money

Chapter 5 – What Do I Get Out of This?

Chapter 9 – “F*CK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Chapter 10 – Did I Say, “F*ck you”? I Meant, “Pleasure Doing Business With You”

Chapter 12 – We Want More Money

Chapter 15 – Let’s Make A Deal

Chapter 18 – Blagojevich: Man of the People

Chapter 21 – “OH SHIT! I’m on the news!”

Chapter 22 – I Like My Haircut

Chapter 25 – Just Act Normal, Nothing To See Here

Chapter 27 – Why Is Larry King Being Such A Dick To Me?

Chapter 28 – Fine, Let’s Just Give It To The Guy Who Said He’d Give Me A Denny’s Coupon

Epilogue – Getting This Sweet Book Deal

Seriously, I have no more words.

Your scruffiness will be sorely missed.

Earlier today, New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson was officially nominated for Commerce Secretary.  What I found most interesting about the entire press conference was his complete lack of facial hair. Apparently President-Elect Obama has decided to institute some strict new grooming standards for his cabinet.

I guess no one told Eric Holder’s mustache.

I find this whole beard-shaving fiasco to be very disheartening. Personally, I was really hoping that Bill was going to bring the beard back to Washington. As this nation’s most prominent Latino, I thought it was his duty.

On a serious note however, I would like to take a moment to point out that we have not had a President with facial-hair since William Howard Taft, and the White House has been beardless since the days of Benjamin Harrison (who I think looks suspiciously like Obi-Won Kenobi).

It is my greatest hope for the incoming administration that on Day 1, President Obama declares a Cabinet-wide beard-off.

You know Hillary’s totally going to win.