We here at Modern Failure realize that due to some of our previous posts, many of you may have formed false opinions of us. Specifically that we are liberal. We want to assure that this simply isn’t so. While we recognize that some of positions may be considered by some to be “left-wing”, “radical”, or “straight-up crazy-house”, we also hold many positions that are widely considered to be incredibly conservative, even dangerously so (especially our stance on mandatory death penalties for children, not even specifically those convicted of crimes).
Chief among these positions is our stance on gun control. The second amendment states that “the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.” Clearly the founding fathers meant for us to have access to widest array of state of the art death machines that we could physically get our hands on.
It is because of this that we were very excited to hear that Barack Obama has decided to lay off trying reinstate the assault weapons ban. He’s been coming under pressure recently from Mexican President Felipe Calderon to bring the ban back. Calderon believes that many of the weapons being used by Mexican drug cartels are actually coming in from the United States. While this may be true, it makes us nervous whenever foreign leaders begin to dictate domestic U.S. policy, especially this close to Z-Day.
For those who don’t understand what I’m talking about, there are many credible prophecies that point to December 21, 2012 as the end of the world (be it the Mayan calendar, Nostradamus, or Larry the crazy guy on the corner). We here at Modern Failure believe that there is only one real credible threat to our American way of life… zombies. We already know how to stop asteroids with space-miners, giant monkeys with bi-planes, and Jesus with atheism, so clearly the only threat left is zombies. Hence December 12, 2012 must be Z-Day, the day the zombies rise to power.
In order to properly combat the undead menace there will certain things that every American will need; a large supply of bottle water, a sexy black t-shirt, and as many firearms as they can physically carry (not to mention ungodly amounts of ammunition). We all know that zombies must be killed by destroying their brain, which certainly may accomplished an axe, sword, or chainsaw, but it may be less than desirable to actually get that close to a zombie. Therefor in order to fully protect yourself, we suggest firearms, preferably large caliber and fully automatic. The way God and George Washington intended.