Modern Failure

So you may have noticed that the comic is on vacation for this week. We’ll be back with a new one for you on Monday, but until then enjoy this photoshop!

It came out yesterday that Bernard Madoff, financial wiz and money-thiever extraordinaire, plans to plead guilty to litany of charges, all related to stealing more money than I can imagine, which could carry a sentence of up to 150 years, a life sentence for anyone but Methuselah.

Many people think that Madoff is getting what he deserves, and that may be true, he did steal an awful lot of money. Yet, life sentences are normally reserved for murderers, rapists, terrorists, and the occasional drug dealer (because drugs are bad), so how does Madoff fit in here?

Well in the Old West, horse-thieving was a crime punishable by death (usual by hanging, but sometimes, for irony’s sake, by being dragged behind a wild horse). I think we can all agree that $50 billion is probably more than the worth of a horse (but oddly enough the exact price of a unicorn), so maybe Madoff should be hanged, or alternatively dragged behind a horse through Central Park like a macabre carriage ride. This would probably be an overreaction, or at the very least illegal, as the death penalty is no longer enforced in the State of New York, but that of course brings me to my next point.

Bernie, if you’ve already got yourself a life sentence, go out and live it up. Steal a car, rob a store, burn down a school, do whatever makes you happy. Apparently, what you’ve done already is far worse than all those things combined, since I think you can only get like 20 years or so for them, so have a ball.

Seriously, go steal a little kid’s ball, you already stole his college tuition, so what’s the big deal?

Unfortunately it is late and I am very tired, but I hadn’t given you loyal readers an update in a few days and when I saw this headline on the New York Times website, I figured you deserved one.

A Zealous Watchman to Follow the Money

Now with all the hype and news surrounding it, I assumed that this would be an article about the new film Watchmen. Well, you know what the say about assumptions, if you make them on the internet, everyone will see that you’re a jackass… or something like that.

In reality it’s an article about the new inspector general who is going to police spending of the stimulus money. I guess that’s interesting, but honestly I just wanted to read something about Watchmen.

Oh well, here’s this.

And just for fun, Sam Yoon. Hello!

Yesterday, in his address to congress, British Prime Minister Gordon Brown announced the Queen’s intention to knight Senator Ted Kennedy. This is quite an honor for the man who is currently the second-longest serving U.S. Senator. In America, the Kennedy family has always been considered something of royalty, so many see this a very fitting tribute.

I disagree with these people completely.

Now, I’m not trying to be harsh here, but let’s call an invalid old man, an invalid old man. Ted Kennedy is an invalid old man. I’m not saying he isn’t a great American, because he certainly is.* I’m also not saying he isn’t a man of virtue befitting knighthood, he very well may be that (jury’s still out). But being a knight is really hard work. You have to wear heavy chainmail armor, carry a sword, ride a horse, slay dragons, de-virginize princesses in towers, and oppress Scotsmen.

Is Ted Kennedy really up to that challenge? In his younger days, sure, he was in the Army and played Division 1 college football. If you gave 1972 Teddy a sword and a fifth of Jameson, I would straight-up poop my pants in fear. But 2009 Teddy? Not so much.

It’s not his fault though, the man is 77 and has terminal brain cancer, he just wouldn’t be my first choice for defender of the realm. If you really wanted an American politician as a knight, I would personally choose Rahm Emmanuel (that guy seriously scares me).

While we’re on the subject, here’s a few other knights that just don’t seem to fit the bill to me; Ben Kingsley, Laurence Olivier, Sidney Poitier, Paul McCartney, Elton John, Michael Gambon, and Ian McKellen. Although if those last two actually have the magic powers they claim to, I would find them acceptable. The only current knight that I would actually want to defend my kingdom is Sir Sean Connery, because he kicks ass. Period.

*Side note: Maybe he’s not. I’m just saying, if he’s such an American patriot why the hell does he want to be a British knight? Seems fishy to me.

That’s right sports fans! We here at Modern Failure now have a store with super awesome merchandise that you can buy with your hard earned (or possibly stolen) money.

Go check it out now!