Modern Failure

A disclaimer: We here at Modern Failure do not condone drugs use. Unless you want to look cool. Then not only do we condone it, but we encourage it. Drugs are kinda like cigarettes, except they’re way cooler. Plus, all your friends are already doing them.

Recently, New York State legislators have taken some pivotal steps towards repealing the state’s strict anti-drug laws passed in the earlier 1970’s, commonly known as the “Rockefeller Laws”, after then Governor and later Vice President Nelson Rockefeller. These laws impose very strict punishments on drug offenders, including mandatory minimum sentences, and have been the subject of much debate in recent years. Now with a Democratic majority in the State Senate nd Governor David Patterson vocally supporting the repeal of these outdated laws, it seems like the Era of Rockefeller might finally be over.

Now we here at Modern Failure generally make it a point to not take any tangible positions on actual substantive issues. Instead, we’re pretty happy to just poke fun at them and make the occasional wiener joke when we can fit one in, but tonight we are breaking that rule. As avid drug users/abusers, we support this effort. The proposed bill would eliminate mandatory minimum sentences for 1st and 2nd time, non-violent drug offenders and would allow judges more discretion in sentencing offenders to rehab instead of prison.

While I once again repeat that we definitely support this initiative, it does however make me slightly skeptical. As you may remember, Governor Patterson has admitted to not only past marijuana use, but cocaine as well. If you ask me (and you did since you’re reading this) it seems a little bit too convenient now that he’s sitting in the big office in Albany he’s trying to get those laws repealed. Seems like someone might be taking a couple rolls in snow if you ask me. Granted this is all pure speculation on my part, and in reality, probably really stupid.

However, this all got me thinking. If I were in power, what kind of laws would I try to get passed. First, I would divert the entire defense budget to finally start the Super Soldier Program (which, let’s be honest we’ve needed for a while now), in order to give myself superpowers. In fact, that’s probably about all I would do. Well in actuality, I would also legalize, and subsequently tax, drugs in order to create more money to be spent on giving myself super powers. I figure we would need to cover all the bases, super-soldier serums, cosmic ray emitters, radioactive spiders, and failing all that, robot battle suits. I would of course share the benefits of these break-throughs with my childhood friends so we could form a super team (and in all likelihood a couple escaped convicts so we would have someone to fight).

I think it’s safe to say that I won’t be getting elected any time soon.

I just read a really interesting articleabout the history of American involvement in Afghanistan by Stephen Kinzer in the Boston Globe. After doing some serious investigative journalism, I found this lost Pentagon memo from the late 70’s. It reads:

“Don’t invade Afghanistan. Seriously don’t. Okay, if you absolutely have to, for the love God, please don’t prop up an Islamic extremist government. Seriously, don’t do that.”

I feel like maybe someone should have read that.

Just in case you’ve been living under a rock and haven’t heard, insurance giant AIG has succeeded in totally pissing everyone off. They recently received $173 billion in federal bailout funds and then turned around and gave out $165 million in bonuses.

Now, Connecticut Senator Chris Dodd has come out saying that the Obama administration asked him to include language which would allow AIG to hand out bonuses that had previously been agreed upon in contracts.

An Obama administration spokesman had this to say, “Chris Dodd is a big fat stupid head… with farty pants. This is all his fault. We had nothing to do with it.”

Senator Dodd responded, “No way, Jose! This is totally not my fault. I didn’t even know what I was writing when I was writing it. Obama made me do it. He made me!”

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi weighed in on the argument, “Don’t even look at me. This was a Senate thing, 100%. We never even saw it in the House. We never even heard of it. We never even heard about seeing it, or thought about hearing about seeing it. So don’t even try.”

New York Senator Chuck Schumer said, “I thought it was a good idea, well, I mean, I thought it was a good idea before it was a bad idea. I thought the good parts were good ideas, but the bad parts were bad ideas. No ever listens to me though.”

Finally, Republican Congressman Eric Cantor said of the whole ordeal, “Clearly the Democrats are a bunch of moron nincompoops, so can we not agree that Oasis is greatest band since the Beatles?”

I hope this has renewed your faith in the federal government as much as it has mine.

This just in: the father of the Octomom’s octo-babies has been revealed. Click here to see who the real father is.

LOL.

This is important. Read it. It’s knowledge for your life.

Thanks to Yoni Riemer for the heads up.