Modern Failure

Hey there folks! It’s election night in America and that means that Modern Failure is back (kinda). We’ve been having some technical problems since the summer (and noticeably we haven’t fixed them). Hopefully the site will be back up sometime soon, but we’ve been getting frustrated and so until we can fix the site, we will be posting here. And of course by posting here, I mean… tonight! That’s right folks I will be live blogging about tonight’s election. I think maybe there will be 3 people anywhere reading this, but who gives a shit, I’m gonna do it anyway. So sit back, relax, and enjoy as I make fun of the results whether I agree with them or not.

On that note, Chris Christie is fat.

Do you hear that? That’s the sound of children silently weeping all across America. Why are they crying? Because Six Flags has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy.

They’ve reported a $146.3 million drop in revenue in their first quarter this year. Apparently that’s a lot. I have no idea, since I have about two hundred bucks to my name, so really, I have no concept of money in business terms.

Not to scare you however, Six Flags has announced that all 20 of its parks will stay open. Proving that once again, I also have no idea what bankruptcy means. Seriously, I thought that meant you had no money, but it turns out I’m wrong. I now think that it means you have some money, but are stupid and don’t know how to use it so then you need to do something 11 times or whatever and then you get more money. Am I right? Do I still get to ride the Batman coaster? Because really, that’s all I care about. Have you been on that thing? It’s awesome! It’s all like woooosh!

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, the economy. It’s times like this I’m really glad I’m super broke, because if you’re already poor, you can’t become poor. I guess I’m kinda like one of those guys with nothing to lose. Maybe I should fight crime… like Batman! But you know, without the butler, because I’m poor.

So recently, Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi has been making a lot of headlines. First with her insistence that the CIA lied about and covered up torture practices (which incidentally she has been informed about since 2002), and now on her trip to to China, she ignored pleas from Chinese nationals to investigate human rights violations (which have been a cornerstone of her politics for years).

However, strangely enough, these aren’t the things that have me concerned. The thing that really keeps me up  at night is… who could possibly vote for a face like this?

Seriously guys, this picture is freaking me right out. What on earth were the voters of California’s 8th district thinking. I mean, sweet lord, that face could stop traffic. I can’t tell if she wants to put a voodoo hex on me or unhinge her jaw, swallow me whole, and digest me slowly over a number of hours. I really hope it’s the first one.

I honestly can’t even remember what else I wanted to write about. I think I need to go to bed. I am definitely going to have nightmares.

Earlier today, the popular online classifieds website Craigslist announced that they would be eliminating their “erotic services” category from their site. This coming after the site was criticized by law enforcement agencies for providing a forum for prostitution and other illegal activities. Well, I think I speak for us all when I say, “Now where I am going to go for group sex with transexuals while smoking crystal meth?”

Craigslist has been in the news a lot lately after the so called “Craigslist Killer” case. Sadly, now without Craigslist to act as an intermediary, other psychopaths will have to actually find prostitutes to murder the old fashioned way (like Jack the Ripper). This of course raises many concerns, especially for us non-hooker citizens who enjoy spending our evenings on poorly lit street corners in bad neighborhoods. I myself have been known to put a mini-skirt, fishnets, and thigh-high boots and loiter around a crack den every once in a while. Not that I’m a transvestite prostitute, mind you, but sometimes a guy just needs to feel pretty.

So who’s going to protect me now? At any moment a crazed killer could snatch me up off the street and perform unspeakable acts to me (ones that would normally cost at least an extra $250), all because I chose to exercise my legal right to charge strange men money for sexual favors.

Hold on.

I am now being informed by my legal counsel that is in fact the textbook definition of prostitution and I am in fact a transvestite hooker. Oops! My bad!

Well, I guess we all learned a lesson here today. I learned that you shouldn’t get into a car with just any man who has 50 bucks and a roll of breathmints, especially if he says he wants to show you his knife collection.

We would like to introduce you to a great man, a man of principle, a man of action, a man who could possibly one day become Governor of the great state of Georgia. That man is Neal Horsley.

Neal Horsley is the Creator’s Rights Party candidate for Governor in Georgia. He served in the Air Force and graduated from the Westminster Theological Seminary. He is vehemently pro-life and anti-gay marriage. In fact, some may say that he is the far-right’s ideal candidate.

Indeed he holds convictions so strongly, and believes that the liberals across America are hurting the morals of Georgians so deeply, he promises that if elected, he will secede Georgia from the Union. He believes in his cause so strongly that he is willing to kill anyone in his way, even his own son. Horsley’s son is currently serving in the United States military, so when asked if he were to be sent into Georgia to stop the secession, Horsley admitted that not only would he kill his son, he’s tried to before.

However Horsley’s radical secessionist views aren’t even his most endearing quality (surprised? you will be). No, that would have to be his love of mules. Now, I don’t mean he enjoys raising and caring for them, what I am referring to is a recent series of interviews  in which Horsley admitted to having sex with a mule (which later urinated on him). That’s right, he banged a mule. And now he’s running for Governor. I can’t even describe the things that I am thinking right now, so let me just say that he has also admitted to having sex with a watermelon. Also, in contradiction to his vocal anti-gay platform, he admits to having sex with multiple men during his time in the Air Force (for warmth, he claims).

We here, at our humble website, for all the above reasons, would like to congratulate Neal Horsley on being our first Profile in Modern Failure (and a creepy, crazy-ass douche).