This is all seems pretty cut and dry, right? Palin, who has a son with Down Syndrome, doesn’t like it people use the word “retarded”, and is in fact willing to stand up to even her political allies to defend her principles. For once I actually feel a small amount a respect for her (it should be noted that I 100% disagree with her though, everyone needs to chill the hell out and turn their PC meters down a few thousand notches, but that’s besides the point). Except now she’s back-peddling and saying that she wasn’t talking about Rush in that quote. Respect gone. So what Sarah? No one is allowed to say “retard” expect Rush Limbaugh? That’s pretty retarded. Rahm has to loose his job, but Rush gets to stay on the air and continue being a big, fat idiot (obscure reference!)? I am really looking forward to seeing how this plays out.

I should note that I didn’t really make any jokes in this post and normally I would apologize for that, but this story is so dumb I thought it was funny enough on its own. Also, I’m lazy.

AMHERST, Massachusetts: Last Saturday night at approximately 10:15 p.m. EST, Chad Jackson (pictured above, left, with “some other fag”) snuck past security and infiltrated the University of Massachusetts chapter of Sigma Alpha Omega’s annual Christmas Sweater, Ice Luge, and Rufietini Winter Mixer. Jackson, known locally as “Jackhole”, was banned from all SAO events and parties after an incident last semester during which he “was totally scamming on my girl,” said fraternity President Freddie “Meat” Riley, who added, “Yeah, that dildo’s a total fag.” Pledge Mickey “Weasel” Stone has already accepted responsibility for the breach in security. “I was supposed to be watching the door, but this slammin’ hottie told me she would hook me up with some E if I let her and her friends in. He must have slipped in with ‘em. Which sucks cuz it turned out to just be Baby Aspirin with the words scraped off.” When reached for comment, Pledge Master Jeremy “Dog Boner” Hopkins insisted that the fraternity would be instituting new measures to insure that no such incident happens again. “That douche waffle better watch himself. If he shows his gay ass around here again, I’m gonna fuck it up. Yeah, I’ll fuck him real hard. Wait? What did I just say?”

We couldn’t resist having just a little more fun with the cat.  Lou Reed seems like a fitting name, all things considered.  Also can you tell that we’ve been watching way too much of  The Wire?

-Dave

They’ve reported a $146.3 million drop in revenue in their first quarter this year. Apparently that’s a lot. I have no idea, since I have about two hundred bucks to my name, so really, I have no concept of money in business terms.

Not to scare you however, Six Flags has announced that all 20 of its parks will stay open. Proving that once again, I also have no idea what bankruptcy means. Seriously, I thought that meant you had no money, but it turns out I’m wrong. I now think that it means you have some money, but are stupid and don’t know how to use it so then you need to do something 11 times or whatever and then you get more money. Am I right? Do I still get to ride the Batman coaster? Because really, that’s all I care about. Have you been on that thing? It’s awesome! It’s all like woooosh!

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, the economy. It’s times like this I’m really glad I’m super broke, because if you’re already poor, you can’t become poor. I guess I’m kinda like one of those guys with nothing to lose. Maybe I should fight crime… like Batman! But you know, without the butler, because I’m poor.

I can see where Doc has noble intentions, but he may have been misguided in his methods and execution. To his defense however, that goddamn cat has only been living there a few days and already tried to kill him twice, so you know, whatever.

Also, apparently Dave and I have different ideas of what the cat “mellowing” on Doc’s shoes should mean. Although I didn’t write it into the script (because I’m lazy/a bad writer/need an editor) I assumed that the cat would be peeing, not puking. To Dave’s credit, the final version is much funnier that what I was thinking. Which is nearly always true.

On a completely unrelated and not comedic note, Dave has recently turned me on to my two new favorite (and polar opposite) music acts. Please go check out Hypercrush’s album The Arcade (awesome electropop about cocaine and Sega Genesis) and William Elliott Whitmore’s new album Animals in the Dark (awesome dude with a banjo singing about being a poor farmer and drinking and hating cops). Oh, also check out all his albums. Dave pretty much has the best music taste ever.

That is all. You may go now.

However, strangely enough, these aren’t the things that have me concerned. The thing that really keeps me up  at night is… who could possibly vote for a face like this?

Seriously guys, this picture is freaking me right out. What on earth were the voters of California’s 8th district thinking. I mean, sweet lord, that face could stop traffic. I can’t tell if she wants to put a voodoo hex on me or unhinge her jaw, swallow me whole, and digest me slowly over a number of hours. I really hope it’s the first one.

I honestly can’t even remember what else I wanted to write about. I think I need to go to bed. I am definitely going to have nightmares.

Craigslist has been in the news a lot lately after the so called “Craigslist Killer” case. Sadly, now without Craigslist to act as an intermediary, other psychopaths will have to actually find prostitutes to murder the old fashioned way (like Jack the Ripper). This of course raises many concerns, especially for us non-hooker citizens who enjoy spending our evenings on poorly lit street corners in bad neighborhoods. I myself have been known to put a mini-skirt, fishnets, and thigh-high boots and loiter around a crack den every once in a while. Not that I’m a transvestite prostitute, mind you, but sometimes a guy just needs to feel pretty.

So who’s going to protect me now? At any moment a crazed killer could snatch me up off the street and perform unspeakable acts to me (ones that would normally cost at least an extra $250), all because I chose to exercise my legal right to charge strange men money for sexual favors.

Hold on.

I am now being informed by my legal counsel that is in fact the textbook definition of prostitution and I am in fact a transvestite hooker. Oops! My bad!

Well, I guess we all learned a lesson here today. I learned that you shouldn’t get into a car with just any man who has 50 bucks and a roll of breathmints, especially if he says he wants to show you his knife collection.

Andy forgot to write something to go here, so enjoy an actual excerpt from the script he sent me:

Panel 3

The cat manages to fire the gun, but the kickback sends him flying. Doc ducks under the bullet.

CAT: Reeeewwr! (or whatever, how the fuck should I know how cats talk)

-Dave

Update:

Just in case you were all wondering, the cat did indeed pass the background check. (This joke brought to you by my father)

-Andy

Neal Horsley is the Creator’s Rights Party candidate for Governor in Georgia. He served in the Air Force and graduated from the Westminster Theological Seminary. He is vehemently pro-life and anti-gay marriage. In fact, some may say that he is the far-right’s ideal candidate.

Indeed he holds convictions so strongly, and believes that the liberals across America are hurting the morals of Georgians so deeply, he promises that if elected, he will secede Georgia from the Union. He believes in his cause so strongly that he is willing to kill anyone in his way, even his own son. Horsley’s son is currently serving in the United States military, so when asked if he were to be sent into Georgia to stop the secession, Horsley admitted that not only would he kill his son, he’s tried to before.

However Horsley’s radical secessionist views aren’t even his most endearing quality (surprised? you will be). No, that would have to be his love of mules. Now, I don’t mean he enjoys raising and caring for them, what I am referring to is a recent series of interviews  in which Horsley admitted to having sex with a mule (which later urinated on him). That’s right, he banged a mule. And now he’s running for Governor. I can’t even describe the things that I am thinking right now, so let me just say that he has also admitted to having sex with a watermelon. Also, in contradiction to his vocal anti-gay platform, he admits to having sex with multiple men during his time in the Air Force (for warmth, he claims).

We here, at our humble website, for all the above reasons, would like to congratulate Neal Horsley on being our first Profile in Modern Failure (and a creepy, crazy-ass douche).