Modern Failure » Profiles In Modern Failure

Sarah Palin is a Moron

Andy — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 22:20:21 +0000

I’m not trying to be controversial or anything here, but Sarah Palin is a moron. There I said it. Earlier this week, when it came out that White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel has called a group of liberal activists “retards”, Mrs. Palin saw an opportunity for attention she just couldn’t pass up. She very quickly made a public appeal for Rahm’s immediate firing. Rahm found some help, from the most unlikely of places, Rush Limbaugh. Good ole’ Rush said on his radio show, Wednesday, “Our political correct society is acting like some giant insult’s taken place by calling a bunch of people who are retards, retards”. Well Sarah Palin didn’t like that much either. Her spokesperson released a statement to a Washington Post blogger saying, “Governor Palin believes crude and demeaning name calling at the expense of others is disrespectful.”

This is all seems pretty cut and dry, right? Palin, who has a son with Down Syndrome, doesn’t like it people use the word “retarded”, and is in fact willing to stand up to even her political allies to defend her principles. For once I actually feel a small amount a respect for her (it should be noted that I 100% disagree with her though, everyone needs to chill the hell out and turn their PC meters down a few thousand notches, but that’s besides the point). Except now she’s back-peddling and saying that she wasn’t talking about Rush in that quote. Respect gone. So what Sarah? No one is allowed to say “retard” expect Rush Limbaugh? That’s pretty retarded. Rahm has to loose his job, but Rush gets to stay on the air and continue being a big, fat idiot (obscure reference!)? I am really looking forward to seeing how this plays out.

I should note that I didn’t really make any jokes in this post and normally I would apologize for that, but this story is so dumb I thought it was funny enough on its own. Also, I’m lazy.

Like Jason Without the Mask

Andy — Tue, 26 May 2009 04:56:42 +0000

So recently, Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi has been making a lot of headlines. First with her insistence that the CIA lied about and covered up torture practices (which incidentally she has been informed about since 2002), and now on her trip to to China, she ignored pleas from Chinese nationals to investigate human rights violations (which have been a cornerstone of her politics for years).

However, strangely enough, these aren’t the things that have me concerned. The thing that really keeps me up at night is… who could possibly vote for a face like this?

Seriously guys, this picture is freaking me right out. What on earth were the voters of California’s 8th district thinking. I mean, sweet lord, that face could stop traffic. I can’t tell if she wants to put a voodoo hex on me or unhinge her jaw, swallow me whole, and digest me slowly over a number of hours. I really hope it’s the first one.

I honestly can’t even remember what else I wanted to write about. I think I need to go to bed. I am definitely going to have nightmares.

Neal Horsley: Real Leadership For Georgia

Andy — Tue, 05 May 2009 14:50:17 +0000

We would like to introduce you to a great man, a man of principle, a man of action, a man who could possibly one day become Governor of the great state of Georgia. That man is Neal Horsley.

Neal Horsley is the Creator’s Rights Party candidate for Governor in Georgia. He served in the Air Force and graduated from the Westminster Theological Seminary. He is vehemently pro-life and anti-gay marriage. In fact, some may say that he is the far-right’s ideal candidate.

Indeed he holds convictions so strongly, and believes that the liberals across America are hurting the morals of Georgians so deeply, he promises that if elected, he will secede Georgia from the Union. He believes in his cause so strongly that he is willing to kill anyone in his way, even his own son. Horsley’s son is currently serving in the United States military, so when asked if he were to be sent into Georgia to stop the secession, Horsley admitted that not only would he kill his son, he’s tried to before.

However Horsley’s radical secessionist views aren’t even his most endearing quality (surprised? you will be). No, that would have to be his love of mules. Now, I don’t mean he enjoys raising and caring for them, what I am referring to is a recent series of interviews in which Horsley admitted to having sex with a mule (which later urinated on him). That’s right, he banged a mule. And now he’s running for Governor. I can’t even describe the things that I am thinking right now, so let me just say that he has also admitted to having sex with a watermelon. Also, in contradiction to his vocal anti-gay platform, he admits to having sex with multiple men during his time in the Air Force (for warmth, he claims).

We here, at our humble website, for all the above reasons, would like to congratulate Neal Horsley on being our first Profile in Modern Failure (and a creepy, crazy-ass douche).