Modern Failure

I’m not trying to be controversial or anything here, but Sarah Palin is a moron. There I said it. Earlier this week, when it came out that White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel has called a group of liberal activists “retards”, Mrs. Palin saw an opportunity for attention she just couldn’t pass up. She very quickly made a public appeal for Rahm’s immediate firing. Rahm found some help, from the most unlikely of places, Rush Limbaugh. Good ole’ Rush said on his radio show, Wednesday, “Our political correct society is acting like some giant insult’s taken place by calling a bunch of people who are retards, retards”. Well Sarah Palin didn’t like that much either. Her spokesperson released a statement to a Washington Post blogger saying, “Governor Palin believes crude and demeaning name calling at the expense of others is disrespectful.”

This is all seems pretty cut and dry, right? Palin, who has a son with Down Syndrome, doesn’t like it people use the word “retarded”, and is in fact willing to stand up to even her political allies to defend her principles. For once I actually feel a small amount a respect for her (it should be noted that I 100% disagree with her though, everyone needs to chill the hell out and turn their PC meters down a few thousand notches, but that’s besides the point). Except now she’s back-peddling and saying that she wasn’t talking about Rush in that quote. Respect gone. So what Sarah? No one is allowed to say “retard” expect Rush Limbaugh? That’s pretty retarded. Rahm has to loose his job, but Rush gets to stay on the air and continue being a big, fat idiot (obscure reference!)? I am really looking forward to seeing how this plays out.

I should note that I didn’t really make any jokes in this post and normally I would apologize for that, but this story is so dumb I thought it was funny enough on its own. Also, I’m lazy.

Apparently at a recent White House state dinner a couple of wannabe, fauxlebrity, Bravo reality show rejects managed to trick the Secret Service, and probably about a million other safeguards, and sneak in. The media has been giving this story quite a lot of attention since then, what some may even consider to be way too much attention. Like way, way too much fucking attention. Well it would seem that somehow in the epic cluster fuck that is 24-hour cable news and the blogosphere, another one of these crucial stories got lost in the shuffle. We here at Modern Failure are pleased to bring it to you.

AMHERST, Massachusetts: Last Saturday night at approximately 10:15 p.m. EST, Chad Jackson (pictured above, left, with “some other fag”) snuck past security and infiltrated the University of Massachusetts chapter of Sigma Alpha Omega’s annual Christmas Sweater, Ice Luge, and Rufietini Winter Mixer. Jackson, known locally as “Jackhole”, was banned from all SAO events and parties after an incident last semester during which he “was totally scamming on my girl,” said fraternity President Freddie “Meat” Riley, who added, “Yeah, that dildo’s a total fag.” Pledge Mickey “Weasel” Stone has already accepted responsibility for the breach in security. “I was supposed to be watching the door, but this slammin’ hottie told me she would hook me up with some E if I let her and her friends in. He must have slipped in with ‘em. Which sucks cuz it turned out to just be Baby Aspirin with the words scraped off.” When reached for comment, Pledge Master Jeremy “Dog Boner” Hopkins insisted that the fraternity would be instituting new measures to insure that no such incident happens again. “That douche waffle better watch himself. If he shows his gay ass around here again, I’m gonna fuck it up. Yeah, I’ll fuck him real hard. Wait? What did I just say?”

Do you hear that? That’s the sound of children silently weeping all across America. Why are they crying? Because Six Flags has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy.

They’ve reported a $146.3 million drop in revenue in their first quarter this year. Apparently that’s a lot. I have no idea, since I have about two hundred bucks to my name, so really, I have no concept of money in business terms.

Not to scare you however, Six Flags has announced that all 20 of its parks will stay open. Proving that once again, I also have no idea what bankruptcy means. Seriously, I thought that meant you had no money, but it turns out I’m wrong. I now think that it means you have some money, but are stupid and don’t know how to use it so then you need to do something 11 times or whatever and then you get more money. Am I right? Do I still get to ride the Batman coaster? Because really, that’s all I care about. Have you been on that thing? It’s awesome! It’s all like woooosh!

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, the economy. It’s times like this I’m really glad I’m super broke, because if you’re already poor, you can’t become poor. I guess I’m kinda like one of those guys with nothing to lose. Maybe I should fight crime… like Batman! But you know, without the butler, because I’m poor.

So recently, Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi has been making a lot of headlines. First with her insistence that the CIA lied about and covered up torture practices (which incidentally she has been informed about since 2002), and now on her trip to to China, she ignored pleas from Chinese nationals to investigate human rights violations (which have been a cornerstone of her politics for years).

However, strangely enough, these aren’t the things that have me concerned. The thing that really keeps me up  at night is… who could possibly vote for a face like this?

Seriously guys, this picture is freaking me right out. What on earth were the voters of California’s 8th district thinking. I mean, sweet lord, that face could stop traffic. I can’t tell if she wants to put a voodoo hex on me or unhinge her jaw, swallow me whole, and digest me slowly over a number of hours. I really hope it’s the first one.

I honestly can’t even remember what else I wanted to write about. I think I need to go to bed. I am definitely going to have nightmares.

Earlier today, the popular online classifieds website Craigslist announced that they would be eliminating their “erotic services” category from their site. This coming after the site was criticized by law enforcement agencies for providing a forum for prostitution and other illegal activities. Well, I think I speak for us all when I say, “Now where I am going to go for group sex with transexuals while smoking crystal meth?”

Craigslist has been in the news a lot lately after the so called “Craigslist Killer” case. Sadly, now without Craigslist to act as an intermediary, other psychopaths will have to actually find prostitutes to murder the old fashioned way (like Jack the Ripper). This of course raises many concerns, especially for us non-hooker citizens who enjoy spending our evenings on poorly lit street corners in bad neighborhoods. I myself have been known to put a mini-skirt, fishnets, and thigh-high boots and loiter around a crack den every once in a while. Not that I’m a transvestite prostitute, mind you, but sometimes a guy just needs to feel pretty.

So who’s going to protect me now? At any moment a crazed killer could snatch me up off the street and perform unspeakable acts to me (ones that would normally cost at least an extra $250), all because I chose to exercise my legal right to charge strange men money for sexual favors.

Hold on.

I am now being informed by my legal counsel that is in fact the textbook definition of prostitution and I am in fact a transvestite hooker. Oops! My bad!

Well, I guess we all learned a lesson here today. I learned that you shouldn’t get into a car with just any man who has 50 bucks and a roll of breathmints, especially if he says he wants to show you his knife collection.

We would like to introduce you to a great man, a man of principle, a man of action, a man who could possibly one day become Governor of the great state of Georgia. That man is Neal Horsley.

Neal Horsley is the Creator’s Rights Party candidate for Governor in Georgia. He served in the Air Force and graduated from the Westminster Theological Seminary. He is vehemently pro-life and anti-gay marriage. In fact, some may say that he is the far-right’s ideal candidate.

Indeed he holds convictions so strongly, and believes that the liberals across America are hurting the morals of Georgians so deeply, he promises that if elected, he will secede Georgia from the Union. He believes in his cause so strongly that he is willing to kill anyone in his way, even his own son. Horsley’s son is currently serving in the United States military, so when asked if he were to be sent into Georgia to stop the secession, Horsley admitted that not only would he kill his son, he’s tried to before.

However Horsley’s radical secessionist views aren’t even his most endearing quality (surprised? you will be). No, that would have to be his love of mules. Now, I don’t mean he enjoys raising and caring for them, what I am referring to is a recent series of interviews  in which Horsley admitted to having sex with a mule (which later urinated on him). That’s right, he banged a mule. And now he’s running for Governor. I can’t even describe the things that I am thinking right now, so let me just say that he has also admitted to having sex with a watermelon. Also, in contradiction to his vocal anti-gay platform, he admits to having sex with multiple men during his time in the Air Force (for warmth, he claims).

We here, at our humble website, for all the above reasons, would like to congratulate Neal Horsley on being our first Profile in Modern Failure (and a creepy, crazy-ass douche).

Recently, the major news media outlets (and of course Vice President Joe Biden) have been making a lot of noise about the SWINE FLU (dun dun dunnnnnn)!

Well it turns out that this recent outbreak is not the first. Indeed the original cases occurred in the 1970’s, and in fact we managed to get a hold of a picture of some of the original victims.

Shocking, isn’t it.

Some of our readers may remember a while back we wrote a piece about how the state of economy was contributing to a decrease in shark attacks worldwide. Well, now the recession is giving rise to another trend, and this time it’s in our pants.

Vasectomies!

That’s right, men across the country are going under the knife to avoid having anymore children, children they can’t afford. Somewhere, the “Every Sperm is Sacred” guy from Monty Python is weeping silently. There’s a very logical explanation for why men are willfully mutilating their own genitals; babies are expensive. Families can’t afford anymore kids, so Daddy is getting the snip-snip. It’s a simple as that. Or is it.

If these men actually stop to think about their situations for a moment (and applied some rather creative thinking) they would realize that their children don’t have to be a burden after all, and in fact can be a blessing. Jonathan Swift proposed, in 1729, that the poor of Ireland sell their children as foodstuffs to the rich. While this is generally considered to be a satirical work, which attempts to address many of the societal problems facing Ireland at the time, he brings up a very interesting and lucrative concept. Now just to be clear, I am not advocating the eating of babies, such consumption is generally frowned upon in most modern American states (you should keep an eye on any youngsters you might be fond of in certain parts of New Mexico). What I’m suggesting is that families in need sell any unwanted children into forced corporate slavery.

This would be an entirely new type of bailout, one that directly benefits both the average American and the struggling corporate giant. Joe Sixpack will be able to make his mortgage payments thanks to the nice check he’s getting every nine months or so, and the corporation will be able to function without significant budget cuts thanks to a new generation of workers who won’t require pesky things like compensation or health care.

Seriously, I don’t see how this could fail.

We here at Modern Failure realize that due to some of our previous posts, many of you may have formed false opinions of us. Specifically that we are liberal. We want to assure that this simply isn’t so. While we recognize that some of positions may be considered by some to be “left-wing”, “radical”, or “straight-up crazy-house”, we also hold many positions that are widely considered to be incredibly conservative, even dangerously so (especially our stance on mandatory death penalties for children, not even specifically those convicted of crimes).

Chief among these positions is our stance on gun control. The second amendment states that “the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.” Clearly the founding fathers meant for us to have access to widest array of state of the art death machines that we could physically get our hands on.

It is because of this that we were very excited to hear that Barack Obama has decided to lay off trying reinstate the assault weapons ban. He’s been coming under pressure recently from Mexican President Felipe Calderon to bring the ban back. Calderon believes that many of the weapons being used by Mexican drug cartels are actually coming in from the United States. While this may be true, it makes us nervous whenever foreign leaders begin to dictate domestic U.S. policy, especially this close to Z-Day.

For those who don’t understand what I’m talking about, there are many credible prophecies that point to December 21, 2012 as the end of the world (be it the Mayan calendar, Nostradamus, or Larry the crazy guy on the corner). We here at Modern Failure believe that there is only one real credible threat to our American way of life… zombies. We already know how to stop asteroids with space-miners, giant monkeys with bi-planes, and Jesus with atheism, so clearly the only threat left is zombies. Hence December 12, 2012 must be Z-Day, the day the zombies rise to power.

In order to properly combat the undead menace there will certain things that every American will need; a large supply of bottle water, a sexy black t-shirt, and as many firearms as they can physically carry (not to mention ungodly amounts of ammunition). We all know that zombies must be killed by destroying their brain, which certainly may accomplished an axe, sword, or chainsaw, but it may be less than desirable to actually get that close to a zombie. Therefor in order to fully protect yourself, we suggest firearms, preferably large caliber and fully automatic. The way God and George Washington intended.

It should come as no surprise to many of you that Barack Obama hates America. As we learned during the presidential campaign, he his a dangerous, untrustworthy, Socialist Muslim who wants to take our guns away. But his most recent announcement has quite literally taken the cake.

Well, not literally. I supposed I mean figuratively. So, the opposite of literally I guess.

Anyway, Obama has done something so heinously, grievously un-American, that it’s damn near communist! And I’m not even talking about him loosening restrictions on Cuba. I am, of course, talking about Bo, Obama’s new Portuguese Water Dog. That’s right a Portuguese Water Dog.

What’s the matter, Barack? Couldn’t find any American dogs that we’re good enough for your latte-sipping, liberal buddies or weak, allergen-prone children?

I mean seriously, Portugal? Why not North Korea? Yeah, how about a North Korean Atomic Terrier? I bet you would just love that.

On a side note, Water Dog???

What is it, some sort of high-tech, secret military dog made of liquid with the ability reform and reshape its body at will? Because if it is, I totally want one.

Top 3 Greatest Presidential Dogs

3. Checkers – Richard Nixon’s Cocker Spaniel that warmed hearts and inadvertinly caused Water Gate.

2. Laddie Boy – Warren Harding’s Airedale Terrier who threw lavish White House parties, gave more interviews than his master, and had a life-size statue of himself made out of pennies (because pennies suck).

1. Liberty – Gerald Ford’s Golden Retriever was given to him by his daughter Susan, and is by far the most patriotic, freedom-loving dog of all time. End of story.