Modern Failure

So recently, Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi has been making a lot of headlines. First with her insistence that the CIA lied about and covered up torture practices (which incidentally she has been informed about since 2002), and now on her trip to to China, she ignored pleas from Chinese nationals to investigate human rights violations (which have been a cornerstone of her politics for years).

However, strangely enough, these aren’t the things that have me concerned. The thing that really keeps me up  at night is… who could possibly vote for a face like this?

Seriously guys, this picture is freaking me right out. What on earth were the voters of California’s 8th district thinking. I mean, sweet lord, that face could stop traffic. I can’t tell if she wants to put a voodoo hex on me or unhinge her jaw, swallow me whole, and digest me slowly over a number of hours. I really hope it’s the first one.

I honestly can’t even remember what else I wanted to write about. I think I need to go to bed. I am definitely going to have nightmares.

Earlier today, the popular online classifieds website Craigslist announced that they would be eliminating their “erotic services” category from their site. This coming after the site was criticized by law enforcement agencies for providing a forum for prostitution and other illegal activities. Well, I think I speak for us all when I say, “Now where I am going to go for group sex with transexuals while smoking crystal meth?”

Craigslist has been in the news a lot lately after the so called “Craigslist Killer” case. Sadly, now without Craigslist to act as an intermediary, other psychopaths will have to actually find prostitutes to murder the old fashioned way (like Jack the Ripper). This of course raises many concerns, especially for us non-hooker citizens who enjoy spending our evenings on poorly lit street corners in bad neighborhoods. I myself have been known to put a mini-skirt, fishnets, and thigh-high boots and loiter around a crack den every once in a while. Not that I’m a transvestite prostitute, mind you, but sometimes a guy just needs to feel pretty.

So who’s going to protect me now? At any moment a crazed killer could snatch me up off the street and perform unspeakable acts to me (ones that would normally cost at least an extra $250), all because I chose to exercise my legal right to charge strange men money for sexual favors.

Hold on.

I am now being informed by my legal counsel that is in fact the textbook definition of prostitution and I am in fact a transvestite hooker. Oops! My bad!

Well, I guess we all learned a lesson here today. I learned that you shouldn’t get into a car with just any man who has 50 bucks and a roll of breathmints, especially if he says he wants to show you his knife collection.

We would like to introduce you to a great man, a man of principle, a man of action, a man who could possibly one day become Governor of the great state of Georgia. That man is Neal Horsley.

Neal Horsley is the Creator’s Rights Party candidate for Governor in Georgia. He served in the Air Force and graduated from the Westminster Theological Seminary. He is vehemently pro-life and anti-gay marriage. In fact, some may say that he is the far-right’s ideal candidate.

Indeed he holds convictions so strongly, and believes that the liberals across America are hurting the morals of Georgians so deeply, he promises that if elected, he will secede Georgia from the Union. He believes in his cause so strongly that he is willing to kill anyone in his way, even his own son. Horsley’s son is currently serving in the United States military, so when asked if he were to be sent into Georgia to stop the secession, Horsley admitted that not only would he kill his son, he’s tried to before.

However Horsley’s radical secessionist views aren’t even his most endearing quality (surprised? you will be). No, that would have to be his love of mules. Now, I don’t mean he enjoys raising and caring for them, what I am referring to is a recent series of interviews  in which Horsley admitted to having sex with a mule (which later urinated on him). That’s right, he banged a mule. And now he’s running for Governor. I can’t even describe the things that I am thinking right now, so let me just say that he has also admitted to having sex with a watermelon. Also, in contradiction to his vocal anti-gay platform, he admits to having sex with multiple men during his time in the Air Force (for warmth, he claims).

We here, at our humble website, for all the above reasons, would like to congratulate Neal Horsley on being our first Profile in Modern Failure (and a creepy, crazy-ass douche).

Recently, the major news media outlets (and of course Vice President Joe Biden) have been making a lot of noise about the SWINE FLU (dun dun dunnnnnn)!

Well it turns out that this recent outbreak is not the first. Indeed the original cases occurred in the 1970’s, and in fact we managed to get a hold of a picture of some of the original victims.

Shocking, isn’t it.