Modern Failure

Some of our readers may remember a while back we wrote a piece about how the state of economy was contributing to a decrease in shark attacks worldwide. Well, now the recession is giving rise to another trend, and this time it’s in our pants.

Vasectomies!

That’s right, men across the country are going under the knife to avoid having anymore children, children they can’t afford. Somewhere, the “Every Sperm is Sacred” guy from Monty Python is weeping silently. There’s a very logical explanation for why men are willfully mutilating their own genitals; babies are expensive. Families can’t afford anymore kids, so Daddy is getting the snip-snip. It’s a simple as that. Or is it.

If these men actually stop to think about their situations for a moment (and applied some rather creative thinking) they would realize that their children don’t have to be a burden after all, and in fact can be a blessing. Jonathan Swift proposed, in 1729, that the poor of Ireland sell their children as foodstuffs to the rich. While this is generally considered to be a satirical work, which attempts to address many of the societal problems facing Ireland at the time, he brings up a very interesting and lucrative concept. Now just to be clear, I am not advocating the eating of babies, such consumption is generally frowned upon in most modern American states (you should keep an eye on any youngsters you might be fond of in certain parts of New Mexico). What I’m suggesting is that families in need sell any unwanted children into forced corporate slavery.

This would be an entirely new type of bailout, one that directly benefits both the average American and the struggling corporate giant. Joe Sixpack will be able to make his mortgage payments thanks to the nice check he’s getting every nine months or so, and the corporation will be able to function without significant budget cuts thanks to a new generation of workers who won’t require pesky things like compensation or health care.

Seriously, I don’t see how this could fail.