Modern Failure

Some of our readers may remember a while back we wrote a piece about how the state of economy was contributing to a decrease in shark attacks worldwide. Well, now the recession is giving rise to another trend, and this time it’s in our pants.

Vasectomies!

That’s right, men across the country are going under the knife to avoid having anymore children, children they can’t afford. Somewhere, the “Every Sperm is Sacred” guy from Monty Python is weeping silently. There’s a very logical explanation for why men are willfully mutilating their own genitals; babies are expensive. Families can’t afford anymore kids, so Daddy is getting the snip-snip. It’s a simple as that. Or is it.

If these men actually stop to think about their situations for a moment (and applied some rather creative thinking) they would realize that their children don’t have to be a burden after all, and in fact can be a blessing. Jonathan Swift proposed, in 1729, that the poor of Ireland sell their children as foodstuffs to the rich. While this is generally considered to be a satirical work, which attempts to address many of the societal problems facing Ireland at the time, he brings up a very interesting and lucrative concept. Now just to be clear, I am not advocating the eating of babies, such consumption is generally frowned upon in most modern American states (you should keep an eye on any youngsters you might be fond of in certain parts of New Mexico). What I’m suggesting is that families in need sell any unwanted children into forced corporate slavery.

This would be an entirely new type of bailout, one that directly benefits both the average American and the struggling corporate giant. Joe Sixpack will be able to make his mortgage payments thanks to the nice check he’s getting every nine months or so, and the corporation will be able to function without significant budget cuts thanks to a new generation of workers who won’t require pesky things like compensation or health care.

Seriously, I don’t see how this could fail.

We here at Modern Failure realize that due to some of our previous posts, many of you may have formed false opinions of us. Specifically that we are liberal. We want to assure that this simply isn’t so. While we recognize that some of positions may be considered by some to be “left-wing”, “radical”, or “straight-up crazy-house”, we also hold many positions that are widely considered to be incredibly conservative, even dangerously so (especially our stance on mandatory death penalties for children, not even specifically those convicted of crimes).

Chief among these positions is our stance on gun control. The second amendment states that “the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.” Clearly the founding fathers meant for us to have access to widest array of state of the art death machines that we could physically get our hands on.

It is because of this that we were very excited to hear that Barack Obama has decided to lay off trying reinstate the assault weapons ban. He’s been coming under pressure recently from Mexican President Felipe Calderon to bring the ban back. Calderon believes that many of the weapons being used by Mexican drug cartels are actually coming in from the United States. While this may be true, it makes us nervous whenever foreign leaders begin to dictate domestic U.S. policy, especially this close to Z-Day.

For those who don’t understand what I’m talking about, there are many credible prophecies that point to December 21, 2012 as the end of the world (be it the Mayan calendar, Nostradamus, or Larry the crazy guy on the corner). We here at Modern Failure believe that there is only one real credible threat to our American way of life… zombies. We already know how to stop asteroids with space-miners, giant monkeys with bi-planes, and Jesus with atheism, so clearly the only threat left is zombies. Hence December 12, 2012 must be Z-Day, the day the zombies rise to power.

In order to properly combat the undead menace there will certain things that every American will need; a large supply of bottle water, a sexy black t-shirt, and as many firearms as they can physically carry (not to mention ungodly amounts of ammunition). We all know that zombies must be killed by destroying their brain, which certainly may accomplished an axe, sword, or chainsaw, but it may be less than desirable to actually get that close to a zombie. Therefor in order to fully protect yourself, we suggest firearms, preferably large caliber and fully automatic. The way God and George Washington intended.

It should come as no surprise to many of you that Barack Obama hates America. As we learned during the presidential campaign, he his a dangerous, untrustworthy, Socialist Muslim who wants to take our guns away. But his most recent announcement has quite literally taken the cake.

Well, not literally. I supposed I mean figuratively. So, the opposite of literally I guess.

Anyway, Obama has done something so heinously, grievously un-American, that it’s damn near communist! And I’m not even talking about him loosening restrictions on Cuba. I am, of course, talking about Bo, Obama’s new Portuguese Water Dog. That’s right a Portuguese Water Dog.

What’s the matter, Barack? Couldn’t find any American dogs that we’re good enough for your latte-sipping, liberal buddies or weak, allergen-prone children?

I mean seriously, Portugal? Why not North Korea? Yeah, how about a North Korean Atomic Terrier? I bet you would just love that.

On a side note, Water Dog???

What is it, some sort of high-tech, secret military dog made of liquid with the ability reform and reshape its body at will? Because if it is, I totally want one.

Top 3 Greatest Presidential Dogs

3. Checkers – Richard Nixon’s Cocker Spaniel that warmed hearts and inadvertinly caused Water Gate.

2. Laddie Boy – Warren Harding’s Airedale Terrier who threw lavish White House parties, gave more interviews than his master, and had a life-size statue of himself made out of pennies (because pennies suck).

1. Liberty – Gerald Ford’s Golden Retriever was given to him by his daughter Susan, and is by far the most patriotic, freedom-loving dog of all time. End of story.