Modern Failure

A disclaimer: We here at Modern Failure do not condone drugs use. Unless you want to look cool. Then not only do we condone it, but we encourage it. Drugs are kinda like cigarettes, except they’re way cooler. Plus, all your friends are already doing them.

Recently, New York State legislators have taken some pivotal steps towards repealing the state’s strict anti-drug laws passed in the earlier 1970’s, commonly known as the “Rockefeller Laws”, after then Governor and later Vice President Nelson Rockefeller. These laws impose very strict punishments on drug offenders, including mandatory minimum sentences, and have been the subject of much debate in recent years. Now with a Democratic majority in the State Senate nd Governor David Patterson vocally supporting the repeal of these outdated laws, it seems like the Era of Rockefeller might finally be over.

Now we here at Modern Failure generally make it a point to not take any tangible positions on actual substantive issues. Instead, we’re pretty happy to just poke fun at them and make the occasional wiener joke when we can fit one in, but tonight we are breaking that rule. As avid drug users/abusers, we support this effort. The proposed bill would eliminate mandatory minimum sentences for 1st and 2nd time, non-violent drug offenders and would allow judges more discretion in sentencing offenders to rehab instead of prison.

While I once again repeat that we definitely support this initiative, it does however make me slightly skeptical. As you may remember, Governor Patterson has admitted to not only past marijuana use, but cocaine as well. If you ask me (and you did since you’re reading this) it seems a little bit too convenient now that he’s sitting in the big office in Albany he’s trying to get those laws repealed. Seems like someone might be taking a couple rolls in snow if you ask me. Granted this is all pure speculation on my part, and in reality, probably really stupid.

However, this all got me thinking. If I were in power, what kind of laws would I try to get passed. First, I would divert the entire defense budget to finally start the Super Soldier Program (which, let’s be honest we’ve needed for a while now), in order to give myself superpowers. In fact, that’s probably about all I would do. Well in actuality, I would also legalize, and subsequently tax, drugs in order to create more money to be spent on giving myself super powers. I figure we would need to cover all the bases, super-soldier serums, cosmic ray emitters, radioactive spiders, and failing all that, robot battle suits. I would of course share the benefits of these break-throughs with my childhood friends so we could form a super team (and in all likelihood a couple escaped convicts so we would have someone to fight).

I think it’s safe to say that I won’t be getting elected any time soon.

I just read a really interesting articleabout the history of American involvement in Afghanistan by Stephen Kinzer in the Boston Globe. After doing some serious investigative journalism, I found this lost Pentagon memo from the late 70’s. It reads:

“Don’t invade Afghanistan. Seriously don’t. Okay, if you absolutely have to, for the love God, please don’t prop up an Islamic extremist government. Seriously, don’t do that.”

I feel like maybe someone should have read that.

Just in case you’ve been living under a rock and haven’t heard, insurance giant AIG has succeeded in totally pissing everyone off. They recently received $173 billion in federal bailout funds and then turned around and gave out $165 million in bonuses.

Now, Connecticut Senator Chris Dodd has come out saying that the Obama administration asked him to include language which would allow AIG to hand out bonuses that had previously been agreed upon in contracts.

An Obama administration spokesman had this to say, “Chris Dodd is a big fat stupid head… with farty pants. This is all his fault. We had nothing to do with it.”

Senator Dodd responded, “No way, Jose! This is totally not my fault. I didn’t even know what I was writing when I was writing it. Obama made me do it. He made me!”

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi weighed in on the argument, “Don’t even look at me. This was a Senate thing, 100%. We never even saw it in the House. We never even heard of it. We never even heard about seeing it, or thought about hearing about seeing it. So don’t even try.”

New York Senator Chuck Schumer said, “I thought it was a good idea, well, I mean, I thought it was a good idea before it was a bad idea. I thought the good parts were good ideas, but the bad parts were bad ideas. No ever listens to me though.”

Finally, Republican Congressman Eric Cantor said of the whole ordeal, “Clearly the Democrats are a bunch of moron nincompoops, so can we not agree that Oasis is greatest band since the Beatles?”

I hope this has renewed your faith in the federal government as much as it has mine.

This just in: the father of the Octomom’s octo-babies has been revealed. Click here to see who the real father is.

LOL.

This is important. Read it. It’s knowledge for your life.

Thanks to Yoni Riemer for the heads up.

So you may have noticed that the comic is on vacation for this week. We’ll be back with a new one for you on Monday, but until then enjoy this photoshop!

It came out yesterday that Bernard Madoff, financial wiz and money-thiever extraordinaire, plans to plead guilty to litany of charges, all related to stealing more money than I can imagine, which could carry a sentence of up to 150 years, a life sentence for anyone but Methuselah.

Many people think that Madoff is getting what he deserves, and that may be true, he did steal an awful lot of money. Yet, life sentences are normally reserved for murderers, rapists, terrorists, and the occasional drug dealer (because drugs are bad), so how does Madoff fit in here?

Well in the Old West, horse-thieving was a crime punishable by death (usual by hanging, but sometimes, for irony’s sake, by being dragged behind a wild horse). I think we can all agree that $50 billion is probably more than the worth of a horse (but oddly enough the exact price of a unicorn), so maybe Madoff should be hanged, or alternatively dragged behind a horse through Central Park like a macabre carriage ride. This would probably be an overreaction, or at the very least illegal, as the death penalty is no longer enforced in the State of New York, but that of course brings me to my next point.

Bernie, if you’ve already got yourself a life sentence, go out and live it up. Steal a car, rob a store, burn down a school, do whatever makes you happy. Apparently, what you’ve done already is far worse than all those things combined, since I think you can only get like 20 years or so for them, so have a ball.

Seriously, go steal a little kid’s ball, you already stole his college tuition, so what’s the big deal?

Unfortunately it is late and I am very tired, but I hadn’t given you loyal readers an update in a few days and when I saw this headline on the New York Times website, I figured you deserved one.

A Zealous Watchman to Follow the Money

Now with all the hype and news surrounding it, I assumed that this would be an article about the new film Watchmen. Well, you know what the say about assumptions, if you make them on the internet, everyone will see that you’re a jackass… or something like that.

In reality it’s an article about the new inspector general who is going to police spending of the stimulus money. I guess that’s interesting, but honestly I just wanted to read something about Watchmen.

Oh well, here’s this.

And just for fun, Sam Yoon. Hello!

Yesterday, in his address to congress, British Prime Minister Gordon Brown announced the Queen’s intention to knight Senator Ted Kennedy. This is quite an honor for the man who is currently the second-longest serving U.S. Senator. In America, the Kennedy family has always been considered something of royalty, so many see this a very fitting tribute.

I disagree with these people completely.

Now, I’m not trying to be harsh here, but let’s call an invalid old man, an invalid old man. Ted Kennedy is an invalid old man. I’m not saying he isn’t a great American, because he certainly is.* I’m also not saying he isn’t a man of virtue befitting knighthood, he very well may be that (jury’s still out). But being a knight is really hard work. You have to wear heavy chainmail armor, carry a sword, ride a horse, slay dragons, de-virginize princesses in towers, and oppress Scotsmen.

Is Ted Kennedy really up to that challenge? In his younger days, sure, he was in the Army and played Division 1 college football. If you gave 1972 Teddy a sword and a fifth of Jameson, I would straight-up poop my pants in fear. But 2009 Teddy? Not so much.

It’s not his fault though, the man is 77 and has terminal brain cancer, he just wouldn’t be my first choice for defender of the realm. If you really wanted an American politician as a knight, I would personally choose Rahm Emmanuel (that guy seriously scares me).

While we’re on the subject, here’s a few other knights that just don’t seem to fit the bill to me; Ben Kingsley, Laurence Olivier, Sidney Poitier, Paul McCartney, Elton John, Michael Gambon, and Ian McKellen. Although if those last two actually have the magic powers they claim to, I would find them acceptable. The only current knight that I would actually want to defend my kingdom is Sir Sean Connery, because he kicks ass. Period.

*Side note: Maybe he’s not. I’m just saying, if he’s such an American patriot why the hell does he want to be a British knight? Seems fishy to me.

That’s right sports fans! We here at Modern Failure now have a store with super awesome merchandise that you can buy with your hard earned (or possibly stolen) money.

Go check it out now!