LA For Ugly People
Recently I made the transition from low-paid Hollywood nobody to unpaid Capitol Hill nobody.
This may have seemed like an odd switch, but the cities of Los Angeles and Washington, DC are remarkably similar. Both are run by excessively-wealthy white-people, both are actually run by bottom-of-the-barrel interns and assistants, and the major players in both cities are scandal-prone, drug and sex fiends, who are constantly hounded by the media.
The main difference, or so I was told before moving here, was that “DC is LA for ugly people”.
Having lived in both cities, I can tell you right now that this is a complete falsehood.
While they may not be readily visible to the C-SPAN cameras, trust me when I say that DC is jam-packed with mega-hotties. And I’m not even talking about the few camera-ready Republican cuties like uptight White House pop-tart, Dana Perino, or Minnesota’s McCarthy-in-a-miniskirt, Michelle Bachmann. What I’m referring to here is the legions of perfect 10’s walking around the Senate cafeteria or giving Capitol Building tours: the hot staffers.
Now you might be thinking to yourself, “Why are such a large portion of congressional staffers young, nubile, girl-next-door, ex-bikini models?” And to you my friend, I have one painfully obvious answer: Congress is filled with lecherous old white men. However, not to be discriminatory, it also has its fair share of lecherous old minorities as well.
So as to avoid accusations of sexism, let me please qualify my assessment. I don’t, for one second, believe that these women are unqualified for their jobs, far from it. But what I believe is going on here, is that these Congressmen, Senators, and most likely their Chiefs of Staff, are practicing something known as “Hottie Affirmative Action”. This is a process that promotes the hiring of hotties to positions where they may best be ogled by their superiors, coworkers, and of course the Memeber’s constituents, because after all, he doesn’t want anyone to think he’s gay.
Let me give you an example: A Senator is looking to hire a new Staff Assistant, a crucial position, as not only do they answer the phones, but they are the first thing outsiders see when they enter your office. He has the choice between the former president of the George Washington University Young Democrats or a state-school sorority girl who paid her way through college by working at a Hooters. Who do you think he’s going go to choose? Honestly?
Yeah, I thought so.
Now, I’m not knocking this practice. I like ogling hotties just as much as the next red-blooded American male, and I certainly understand the importance of having Personal Assistants and Press Secretaries that you actually want to look at. But as someone who is desperately trying to make the switch from intern to professional staff, I humbly ask:
Can you give a brother a break?
