Modern Failure

This one is going to be a real nail-biter.

So, many of you may be wondering why I haven’t yet commented on embattled Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich and his utterly farcical and parody-rife “alleged” corruption scandal. You may be thinking, “This is the biggest scandal to hit Chicago since the Black Sox”, while still others may be thinking, “Who the hell are the Black Sox?”

To your, sir, I suggest that you watch Field of Dreams.

I’ll wait.

Is he gone?

Good.

To everyone still left, I offer you this:

IT’S TOO EASY!!!!!!!!!!!

This scandal makes Teapot Dome seem like an old lady sampling grapes at the supermarket. I simply didn’t know what else I could say on the matter that Governor Blagojevich hadn’t already said himself. On his phone. Which he knew was being tapped.

That was however until he held a press conference on Friday. For those of you did not catch it live and have only seen the clips that have doubtless been run over and over again on MSNBC, CNN, The Daily Show, Sesame Street, what have you; let me tell, it was a sight to see. I mean really a sight to see.

It wasn’t just the way he strode out gallantly to the microphone, it wasn’t just the way he grabbed that mic and without a split second’s hesitation proclaimed his innocence, and it wasn’t just his extended quoting of Kipling poetry (once again, Kiplin? really?); it was his conviction.

This was a man who was one hundred percent convinced that he has done nothing wrong. Not a damn thing. I was half expecting a Entourage-esque profanity laced tirade about how we’re all bleeping bleeps who bleep our own bleeps with our bleeps. However, his Excellency quite honestly floored me.

Now, I’ve always told everyone that the best way to lie to someone is to lie to yourself first. If you want to make someone believe something, you have to believe it first. If there is one spec of daylight between you and the truth, someone, especially another lier, can spot it in a second. Governor Blagojevich seems to have taken this to heart. I consider myself to be a fairly adept liar and it has served me well in the past, but this guy is my new God.

There wasn’t one second during his press conference that he wasn’t perfectly on message, as if it was the most normal thing in the world. His hand didn’t shake, his voice didn’t tremble, he never wavered. I would be willing to be that if you hooked him up to a lie detector, he would pass with flying colors.

Now, I’m not saying I condone corruption, just the opposite, I despise people who abuse their power, but you have to give it up for this guy. He can lie like nobody’s business. And to me at least, that’s just impressive.

One of these three men is willing to sleep with Nancy Pelosi for 38 million dollars. Do you know which one?

Earlier today, Congressional Democrats and White House staffers hammered out the details on a $15 million bridge-loan for the Big 3 automakers. One of the stipulations of this bailout deal was the inclusion of a government appointed “Car Czar”.

I repeat this once again, a Car Czar.

I think it is high time that we as Americans finally and as one, put our foot down and say, “Enough”. Not to bailouts or shady business practices or golden parachutes (although now that I mention it, that seems like a good idea too), but we need to say, “Enough!” to the use of the word “Czar” in American government.

We’ve been using the term to describe such high-level government positions as the “Drug Czar”, “Terrorism Czar”, “War Czar”, and my personal favorite, “Cybersecurity Czar”. Now personally, I’ve always found this disconcerting; the terrorism czar sounds a bit too much like a Cossack who’s going to pull me out of my house at night and lock me up in the Gulag. My feelings aside however, when you manage to both rhyme and alliterate a two word phrase, it’s time to pack it up and call it day.

I’m not saying we shouldn’t have the position, I’m just asking that we come up with a more appropriate title.

To help out, I spent all day brainstorming potential titles and I now present my top five:

5. Auto-bailout Overseer

4. Supreme Judicial Executor

3. Chancellor of Germany

2. Herald of Galactus, Devourer of Worlds

1.Polly Prissy Pants

I believe that any one of these would be preferential to Car Czar. Although I’m pretty sure I stole a couple of them from somewhere else.

Your scruffiness will be sorely missed.

Earlier today, New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson was officially nominated for Commerce Secretary.  What I found most interesting about the entire press conference was his complete lack of facial hair. Apparently President-Elect Obama has decided to institute some strict new grooming standards for his cabinet.

I guess no one told Eric Holder’s mustache.

I find this whole beard-shaving fiasco to be very disheartening. Personally, I was really hoping that Bill was going to bring the beard back to Washington. As this nation’s most prominent Latino, I thought it was his duty.

On a serious note however, I would like to take a moment to point out that we have not had a President with facial-hair since William Howard Taft, and the White House has been beardless since the days of Benjamin Harrison (who I think looks suspiciously like Obi-Won Kenobi).

It is my greatest hope for the incoming administration that on Day 1, President Obama declares a Cabinet-wide beard-off.

You know Hillary’s totally going to win.

Have you seen this man? Neither has the United States Senate.

On the whole I find Heroes to be rather awesome.

I am aware that there are many who disagree with me, and I will be the first to admit that this season has had its problems (why is Suresh Spider-Man?).

The real problem I have with this season has been gnawing at me for quite a while.

Nathan Petrelli is a senator. A United States Senator. As someone who currently works for a REAL senator and has previously worked in television professionally, I have one question to ask:

Where the hell is Nathan Petrelli?

If I was from New York state, I would be screaming this question from the rooftops. I’ve been having to deal with people calling in insensently to complain about Joe Lieberman’s absence while he was campaigning for John McCain, but this guy has been spending his time literally FLYING around the world, working out his daddy issues, banging hot chicks with freeze-rays, and personally fighting indestructible Haitian warlords.

Why hasn’t anyone noticed?

He doesn’t even carry a Blackberry. Come on. I mean, I can believe that a dude can read peoples minds or that a cheerleader can survive being decapitated and disemboweled, but to see a professional politician not constantly glued to his cell phone? That’s just ridiculous.

Also, why does his slutty, mega-hot,freeze-ray shooting Chief of Staff never seem to be doing her job either? Seriously that office has to be in a goddamn state of disarray. Personally, I would like to see a couple cutaways to his office where his legislative assistants are flipping their shit trying to get him to a vote.

I think we should all call our senators and urge them to strip Nathan Petrelli of his committee assignments (Seriously though, please don’t do that.  It’s ungodly annoying).

P.S. Does anyone know what party he is? He’s kind of a dick, so that would make me think Republican, but he’s also a total puss, so I’m going with Democrat.