Modern Failure

I’m not trying to be controversial or anything here, but Sarah Palin is a moron. There I said it. Earlier this week, when it came out that White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel has called a group of liberal activists “retards”, Mrs. Palin saw an opportunity for attention she just couldn’t pass up. She very quickly made a public appeal for Rahm’s immediate firing. Rahm found some help, from the most unlikely of places, Rush Limbaugh. Good ole’ Rush said on his radio show, Wednesday, “Our political correct society is acting like some giant insult’s taken place by calling a bunch of people who are retards, retards”. Well Sarah Palin didn’t like that much either. Her spokesperson released a statement to a Washington Post blogger saying, “Governor Palin believes crude and demeaning name calling at the expense of others is disrespectful.”

This is all seems pretty cut and dry, right? Palin, who has a son with Down Syndrome, doesn’t like it people use the word “retarded”, and is in fact willing to stand up to even her political allies to defend her principles. For once I actually feel a small amount a respect for her (it should be noted that I 100% disagree with her though, everyone needs to chill the hell out and turn their PC meters down a few thousand notches, but that’s besides the point). Except now she’s back-peddling and saying that she wasn’t talking about Rush in that quote. Respect gone. So what Sarah? No one is allowed to say “retard” expect Rush Limbaugh? That’s pretty retarded. Rahm has to loose his job, but Rush gets to stay on the air and continue being a big, fat idiot (obscure reference!)? I am really looking forward to seeing how this plays out.

I should note that I didn’t really make any jokes in this post and normally I would apologize for that, but this story is so dumb I thought it was funny enough on its own. Also, I’m lazy.

Apparently at a recent White House state dinner a couple of wannabe, fauxlebrity, Bravo reality show rejects managed to trick the Secret Service, and probably about a million other safeguards, and sneak in. The media has been giving this story quite a lot of attention since then, what some may even consider to be way too much attention. Like way, way too much fucking attention. Well it would seem that somehow in the epic cluster fuck that is 24-hour cable news and the blogosphere, another one of these crucial stories got lost in the shuffle. We here at Modern Failure are pleased to bring it to you.

AMHERST, Massachusetts: Last Saturday night at approximately 10:15 p.m. EST, Chad Jackson (pictured above, left, with “some other fag”) snuck past security and infiltrated the University of Massachusetts chapter of Sigma Alpha Omega’s annual Christmas Sweater, Ice Luge, and Rufietini Winter Mixer. Jackson, known locally as “Jackhole”, was banned from all SAO events and parties after an incident last semester during which he “was totally scamming on my girl,” said fraternity President Freddie “Meat” Riley, who added, “Yeah, that dildo’s a total fag.” Pledge Mickey “Weasel” Stone has already accepted responsibility for the breach in security. “I was supposed to be watching the door, but this slammin’ hottie told me she would hook me up with some E if I let her and her friends in. He must have slipped in with ‘em. Which sucks cuz it turned out to just be Baby Aspirin with the words scraped off.” When reached for comment, Pledge Master Jeremy “Dog Boner” Hopkins insisted that the fraternity would be instituting new measures to insure that no such incident happens again. “That douche waffle better watch himself. If he shows his gay ass around here again, I’m gonna fuck it up. Yeah, I’ll fuck him real hard. Wait? What did I just say?”

Do you hear that? That’s the sound of children silently weeping all across America. Why are they crying? Because Six Flags has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy.

They’ve reported a $146.3 million drop in revenue in their first quarter this year. Apparently that’s a lot. I have no idea, since I have about two hundred bucks to my name, so really, I have no concept of money in business terms.

Not to scare you however, Six Flags has announced that all 20 of its parks will stay open. Proving that once again, I also have no idea what bankruptcy means. Seriously, I thought that meant you had no money, but it turns out I’m wrong. I now think that it means you have some money, but are stupid and don’t know how to use it so then you need to do something 11 times or whatever and then you get more money. Am I right? Do I still get to ride the Batman coaster? Because really, that’s all I care about. Have you been on that thing? It’s awesome! It’s all like woooosh!

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, the economy. It’s times like this I’m really glad I’m super broke, because if you’re already poor, you can’t become poor. I guess I’m kinda like one of those guys with nothing to lose. Maybe I should fight crime… like Batman! But you know, without the butler, because I’m poor.

So recently, Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi has been making a lot of headlines. First with her insistence that the CIA lied about and covered up torture practices (which incidentally she has been informed about since 2002), and now on her trip to to China, she ignored pleas from Chinese nationals to investigate human rights violations (which have been a cornerstone of her politics for years).

However, strangely enough, these aren’t the things that have me concerned. The thing that really keeps me up  at night is… who could possibly vote for a face like this?

Seriously guys, this picture is freaking me right out. What on earth were the voters of California’s 8th district thinking. I mean, sweet lord, that face could stop traffic. I can’t tell if she wants to put a voodoo hex on me or unhinge her jaw, swallow me whole, and digest me slowly over a number of hours. I really hope it’s the first one.

I honestly can’t even remember what else I wanted to write about. I think I need to go to bed. I am definitely going to have nightmares.

Earlier today, the popular online classifieds website Craigslist announced that they would be eliminating their “erotic services” category from their site. This coming after the site was criticized by law enforcement agencies for providing a forum for prostitution and other illegal activities. Well, I think I speak for us all when I say, “Now where I am going to go for group sex with transexuals while smoking crystal meth?”

Craigslist has been in the news a lot lately after the so called “Craigslist Killer” case. Sadly, now without Craigslist to act as an intermediary, other psychopaths will have to actually find prostitutes to murder the old fashioned way (like Jack the Ripper). This of course raises many concerns, especially for us non-hooker citizens who enjoy spending our evenings on poorly lit street corners in bad neighborhoods. I myself have been known to put a mini-skirt, fishnets, and thigh-high boots and loiter around a crack den every once in a while. Not that I’m a transvestite prostitute, mind you, but sometimes a guy just needs to feel pretty.

So who’s going to protect me now? At any moment a crazed killer could snatch me up off the street and perform unspeakable acts to me (ones that would normally cost at least an extra $250), all because I chose to exercise my legal right to charge strange men money for sexual favors.

Hold on.

I am now being informed by my legal counsel that is in fact the textbook definition of prostitution and I am in fact a transvestite hooker. Oops! My bad!

Well, I guess we all learned a lesson here today. I learned that you shouldn’t get into a car with just any man who has 50 bucks and a roll of breathmints, especially if he says he wants to show you his knife collection.