Modern Failure

I’m not trying to be controversial or anything here, but Sarah Palin is a moron. There I said it. Earlier this week, when it came out that White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel has called a group of liberal activists “retards”, Mrs. Palin saw an opportunity for attention she just couldn’t pass up. She very quickly made a public appeal for Rahm’s immediate firing. Rahm found some help, from the most unlikely of places, Rush Limbaugh. Good ole’ Rush said on his radio show, Wednesday, “Our political correct society is acting like some giant insult’s taken place by calling a bunch of people who are retards, retards”. Well Sarah Palin didn’t like that much either. Her spokesperson released a statement to a Washington Post blogger saying, “Governor Palin believes crude and demeaning name calling at the expense of others is disrespectful.”

This is all seems pretty cut and dry, right? Palin, who has a son with Down Syndrome, doesn’t like it people use the word “retarded”, and is in fact willing to stand up to even her political allies to defend her principles. For once I actually feel a small amount a respect for her (it should be noted that I 100% disagree with her though, everyone needs to chill the hell out and turn their PC meters down a few thousand notches, but that’s besides the point). Except now she’s back-peddling and saying that she wasn’t talking about Rush in that quote. Respect gone. So what Sarah? No one is allowed to say “retard” expect Rush Limbaugh? That’s pretty retarded. Rahm has to loose his job, but Rush gets to stay on the air and continue being a big, fat idiot (obscure reference!)? I am really looking forward to seeing how this plays out.

I should note that I didn’t really make any jokes in this post and normally I would apologize for that, but this story is so dumb I thought it was funny enough on its own. Also, I’m lazy.

Apparently at a recent White House state dinner a couple of wannabe, fauxlebrity, Bravo reality show rejects managed to trick the Secret Service, and probably about a million other safeguards, and sneak in. The media has been giving this story quite a lot of attention since then, what some may even consider to be way too much attention. Like way, way too much fucking attention. Well it would seem that somehow in the epic cluster fuck that is 24-hour cable news and the blogosphere, another one of these crucial stories got lost in the shuffle. We here at Modern Failure are pleased to bring it to you.

AMHERST, Massachusetts: Last Saturday night at approximately 10:15 p.m. EST, Chad Jackson (pictured above, left, with “some other fag”) snuck past security and infiltrated the University of Massachusetts chapter of Sigma Alpha Omega’s annual Christmas Sweater, Ice Luge, and Rufietini Winter Mixer. Jackson, known locally as “Jackhole”, was banned from all SAO events and parties after an incident last semester during which he “was totally scamming on my girl,” said fraternity President Freddie “Meat” Riley, who added, “Yeah, that dildo’s a total fag.” Pledge Mickey “Weasel” Stone has already accepted responsibility for the breach in security. “I was supposed to be watching the door, but this slammin’ hottie told me she would hook me up with some E if I let her and her friends in. He must have slipped in with ‘em. Which sucks cuz it turned out to just be Baby Aspirin with the words scraped off.” When reached for comment, Pledge Master Jeremy “Dog Boner” Hopkins insisted that the fraternity would be instituting new measures to insure that no such incident happens again. “That douche waffle better watch himself. If he shows his gay ass around here again, I’m gonna fuck it up. Yeah, I’ll fuck him real hard. Wait? What did I just say?”

Well people that’s it. It’s over. Say hello to Governor Fat-Ass. With barely 50% of the vote, Republican Chris Christie has won the election for Governor of New Jersey. While we are clearly disheartened that our hand picked golden boy, Chris Daggett lost with only 5% of the vote (which is kinda surprising because I’m pretty sure he had been polling at around 14%), Christie has one big thing going for him (besides his gut): HE’S NOT JON CORZINE.

At least we’ve got that.

That’s right folks! Politco has called the Virginia Governor’s election for Republican Candidate Bob McDonnell. If you didn’t see this coming then you are more retarded than Creigh Deeds. For those of you not from Virginia, Creigh Deeds was the Democratic candidate whose supporters were often called “Creightards”. I didn’t even make that up.

Oh well, congrats to Governor Bob, who has the nicest hair in all the land.

With 38 minutes left in the New Jersey gubernatorial election, we here at Modern Failure have decided to make a last minute endorsement of Independent Candidate Chris Daggett. We’re making this endorsement for a few reasons. First, he’s not Jon Corzine, so you know, he didn’t run the state into the ground. Second, he’s not Chris Christie, so he’s not a big, fat, corrupt, fat guy. Third, he’s not bald or fat. Really he’s hit the trifecta. So go out and vote for Chris Daggett, the only the candidate that Modern Failure is endorsing.

You have 36 minutes…